Need You Now

Paula Abdul had a song in the 90's that I used to listen to called "Opposites Attract" and it has a line  that says "I take 2 steps forward, I take 2 steps back."  I was reminded of this song when the fertility doctor called this morning.

My husband had to get a 6month semen analysis after his surgery in late April/early May.  HIs first one at 3 months, was really good.  Showed he increased to 60 million sperm, good motility, morphology, etc. Only little volume.

The doctor called this morning to tell us the results of the latest analysis 3 months later.  While volume is now up to normal, he's down to 13 million sperm, when it should be up around 20.  It seems strange to me to have these statistics go up and down.  I know, in reality, it's par for the course, but it feels like a blow.  After 2 steps forward in August, it's 2 steps back in November.  

Often a single circumstance can seem completely different depending on our perspective.  I could choose to look at this as yet another setback.  Another reason to be angry at his parents for their role in neglecting his physical state while growing up.  Another example of how much it "sucks to be us."  Or I could look at it as another way we have answers.  Another explanation to help us get to the solution.  Another way God's revealed a tiny part of His plan and what He wants us to do.

It's frustrating, no doubt.  To have these problems and see other people conceive in their first try seems unfair.  And if I chose to look at it like that, I'd be severely depressed.  But I choose to see an opportunity to deepen my faith. To trust that He has something greater.  To believe that He knows me and knows what's best for my life.  I may not like the outcome, sure. I may not get to be a parent.  But only He knows that and I just have to follow whatever path He's put me on.  God, I need You now more than ever.

"Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now."

Walk by Faith

Sorry it's been awhile.  This school year is seriously kicking my rear-end.  I am not a fan of rambling blog posts (although some of my past ones could prove the contrary).  I figure I won't post anything unless I have something to say.  I guess today I do.

I've been looking at this process differently lately.  I have felt recently like God's been saying this is not it for me.  I just keep getting this unsettled feeling wash over me.  Like this place He has me in isn't permanent.  I just keep feeling like something's missing. Like there's more.  More to do. More to accomplish. Not for me, mind you.  For Him.  I don't know what He wants.  Or what His plan is.  I may never know.  But I'm certain He has me feeling unsettled and unsure for a reason.  I haven't found my spot yet.

He just wants me to continue to walk by faith.

"Well I will walk by faith 
Even when I cannot see 
Well because this broken road 
Prepares Your will for me"

Healing Hand of God

Last time I wrote an entry I included two songs which have TREMENDOUS meaning for me  in my current situation.  Both songs have totally different purposes and meanings (to me at least), but they share a common thread.  There's a line in each that refers to God's hand.

From Safe:  "The hand the holds the world is holding your heart" and "These are the hands that built the mountains, the hands that calm the seas.  These are the arms that hold the heavens, they are holding you and me."

From I Will Not Be Moved: "Though sometimes my prayers feel like they're bouncing off the sky, 
The hand I hold won't let me go and and is the reason why I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved."

I wanted to do a little background and research on the meaning of hand in scripture. I find that it's a popular idea to allude to and thought it might deepen my understanding of God.  Boy did it.

To start, I went for the most obvious place: the Bible Dictionary.  Right? Look up the word and get a definition.  Talk about loads of information.  The entry for "hand" began like this:

"One of the most frequently used words in Scripture, occurring over sixteen hundred times."

Whoa.  Ok, so it's a pretty popular reference.  So i continued reading.

"In the [Old Testament] the hand is also the symbol of personal agency.  When the Lord stretches out his hand, it means that he is taking personal action in whatever case or situation is involved, and this usage carries over into the NT"

Stop. Right. There.   These songs have come to mean something very personal to me in my fertility quest.  Those particular lines especially.  According to this dictionary, they go even deeper. By stretching out his hands, holding us in his hands, us holding his hands, etc, he is showing us he's THERE.  He's in it.  He's "taking personal action in whatever case or situation is involved."  I don't know about you, but that's one of the most comforting thoughts I could have, in ANY situation.  

Next, I moved onto topical bible entries.  True, this is merely to tell me WHERE in the bible the word or concept can be found, but it's another resource.  I personally like biblegateway.com.  So I went to the H's and clicked on hands.  Before each bible verse where the word is found, it gives a quick blurb about the context so you know if it's what you're looking for.  Here's some of the ones that stood out:

-Criminals often
-Of the wicked
-Imposition of
-Were washed.

Instantly, my mind associated hands with needing to be cleansed, even forgiven.  But with God, he's perfect so he doesn't need forgiveness so what could that mean? It means he can be trusted.  The hands are dangerous and prone to misdeed.  Our hands can't be trusted.  Heck, one of the entries refers to criminals!  But how much peace we can find in the fact that the hands that are holding our hearts are clean. Trustworthy. Strong.  

This whole thing might seem superfluous to everyone else but me, but I dont think it matters.  I was struck by the fact that hands were in both songs that meant a lot to me.  By spending some time researching the word, it's use and meaning, I was able to understand and see God from a new angle.  Isn't that the whole purpose of being a Christian?

Forgive this odd post as it's not directly related to fertility and seems to ramble nonsensically.  But it seems to be just what I needed :)

"And I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God"

Safe, I will not be moved

Sorry- it's been awhile since I wrote anything.  It's been a crazy couple of weeks.  However, another week, another trip to the fertility doctor.

The doc put me on Clomid again, upping the dosage.  Things look good on my end (2 developping follicles instead of 1) and as usual, it's up to God to do what He wants.  Now onto the TWW...

Over the weekend I realized that this truly is a day to day process.  Just like life.  One day, I can be the one encouraging OTHERS about this situation, feel at peace, and genuinely trust that the Lord has my best interest at heart.  Literally the next day can bring doubts, uncertainties, sadness, and worry.  I'm talking less than 24 hours!  It's easy to think you're insane.  There are ways to get through it, though. 

The whole reason I incorporated music into this blog is one simple fact: I love it.  Music is something that has always had a way of speaking to me.  Maybe it's because I identify myself as a dancer and music has a different meaning. Or maybe that's just me in general.  Whatever the reason, I've been able to use music as a way to make it through each difficult (and not so difficult) moment.  There's comfort in knowing that someone has felt the way I do and was able to convey those thoughts and emotions in words better than I could.  And well, there's just something about a really catchy melody.

Two songs that have really spoken to me and helped ease those day to day mood swings I've included in this blog. The OCD part of my brain isn't too happy switching up the pattern of one song per entry, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want :)

The first song listed is by Phil Wickham called "Safe."  Currently, it's the one song that I can't stop listening to.  It's a song for any moment, but works particularly well for those moments that you are feeling sad, lost, uneasy, or like, as the song says, "everything is falling apart."  It speaks about our Lord who while holding the wolrd is also holding your heart.  The imagery this one particular line evokes in my head is beyond comforting.  I sang it at the top of my lungs while biking down the main street at the beach.  YOLO, as the say.

The other song is the song I go to when I get over my sad moments and get angry.  Not angry at God. That would be a different song.  No, angry at myself and more importantly, angry at Satan.  Throughout the infertility process, it's SO easy to question God. Question His motives, question His timing, question and doubt EVERYTHING.  Now, much of that comes from our sinful nature (thanks Adam & Eve!).  However, a lot of our uncertainty comes from Satan.  He takes it and runs away with it.  He's such a bastard that he wants us to doubt. He wants us to feel separated from our God so that we don't trust Him.  He revels in those moments when we are low and doubting the one thing we know to be real.  Well that just pisses me off.  So you know what? I sing this song to him.  To tell him that no matter how low I feel, I WON'T be moved. I may make mistakes, like not trusting God for a few minutes or have trouble relinquishing control, but I will NOT be moved from His presence. He is my Lord and my God and He rescued me.  Just because He has chosen to have my husband and I go through a struggle doesn't mean He loves me any less.  So Satan, do us all a favor and drop dead.

Safe:
"You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms"

I Will Not Be Moved:
"And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved"


One last thing:  after reading the lyrics I chose to put here as a tease, I realize they both speak of holding God's hand.  It's such a powerful image and statement, I may want to get into that more.  I think I have something new to research and a topic for an upcoming post.  The hand of God..... what a beautiful picutre. 

I Lift My Hands

I like organizing my life. I like lists. I like instructions.  I like predictability. I like structure. I like planning. I like knowing (re: hate surprises).  When starting this fertility journey, I had NO idea how much I'd learn that this would have to go out the window if I really wanted a child.


In the infertility community, there's a term people use. TWW.  It stands for "two week wait," referring to the two weeks between ovulation and when you can expect a period (or hope NOT to get one).

For a type A, control freak like myself, the two week wait is excruciating.  Not in an emotional way, but frustrating in a humbling way.  It's a period of time when there is literally NOTHING we can do to help things along.  You can eat things, drink things, time intercourse, lift your hips afterwards, use the right positions, take vitamins, etc.  But once the "deed" is done, you're done.  There is nothing a woman (or man) can do to make conception more likely to take place.  And that fact is extremely humbling.

This two week wait window is an opportunity to trust.  To lay myself bare and show God that I trust His goodness.  That He will take care of me during the two weeks and beyond.  It must be a constant walk though.  Not a talk, but a walk. A belief in my heart.  That's extremely difficult, since sin has created a selfishness inside me, wanting things my way in my time.  But deep down, the Holy Spirit speaks and calmly prods, "But truly, isn't His idea of what's best what you really want? Not your idea of what's best?"  He's proven that He's a far better type-A planner than I could ever imagine.  You are faithful, God. Forever.

"Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever"

All This Time

I've been saying for awhile that this particular month felt like a turning point in our fertility journey.  I wasn't sure what would happen, but God made it CRYSTAL clear that we were to WAIT and trust.  And this month the wait was over.

We had to go to the urologist to get the results of the Hubby's varicocelectomy.  I'm the type of person to get my hopes up.  For this though, I had the opposite mentality.  I wasn't expecting wonderful news or terrible news. I was expecting how-hum-nothing's-really-changed-grey-area-now-what-do-we-do news.

We sat down with the urologist and at the end of his introductory sentence telling us about the results he said the phrase "much better."  I was floored by the dramatic increase in certain test results.  I mean amazed.  Of course, there will be yet another follow up in a few months, but sitting there in his office, I could hardly feel my toes.  God had come through.  Like He promised.

Remember the necklace He gave me, showing me He's got it and I need to hang on a little longer?
Remember those FIVE people we reconciled with where God showed us that we need to trust Him because He's been taking care of us for a LONG time?

All those trials and tests and situations were steps to get us exactly where we are today.

I'm not picking out baby names or doing a registry, but yet another step gave us another glimmer of hope.  He keeps reminding us that He's been with us in this process all this time.  He's still in charge, clearly. I'm merely along for the ride.  And in awe while He does what He does best.

"Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're a story

Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me
This is my story

All this time, from the first tear cried

'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I

You've been walking with me all this time"

Gratitude

I wrote this post a little while BEFORE my last post but saved it instead of publishing it since it seemed a little personal.  However, after rereading it and my last post (see: "Everywhere"), this post now makes so much more sense in hindsight.  I think it's important to be transparent and share honestly for the sake of growth, both for me and others, so here it is.  If you haven't already, I encourage you to read the other post first.

16......
Some of the hardest days are the days when you know your period is coming.  You begin to get the symptoms that you always get. For each woman it's different.  Mood swings, bloating, cramps, tender breasts, crying.  The signs come in many forms.  But what it does to a woman struggling with fertility is the same.

It's crushing. There's really no other word for it.  You desperately want to cling to the hope that you may still be pregnant. But deep down you know.  You know your body best and can read the writing on the wall.  I often find that in this time I struggle with guilt.  Am I not trusting that God still COULD make me pregnant? Or am I being realistic?  This is truly a emotionally draining fews days, for me at least.

16....
We have been trying to conceive for 16 cycles.   That number shocks even me as I type it.  That means I've gone through this process 15 times. The waiting. The deep-down knowing of the yet unconfirmed.  While I've done it 15 times, and it's tremendously difficult, those days don't last forever.  There's always a new day.  A new chance.  A new lesson.  A new hope.

I recently reconnected with a friend, who suggested a song to me that she felt encouraged by.  It's a song about finding gratitude and hope even in the darkest of moments.  Even in the droughts of our hearts. Even in the sorrow.  The Lord has blessed each and every one of us.  There's a message of hope, forgiveness, rebirth, peace in every situation God has put us in.  While it's ok to feel overwhelmed and cry and not quite understand, it's important to step outside ourselves and see the whole picture He is painting, even if we can't see it right that second.  We should trust that He still has the brush.  Because He IS painting it.  And He isn't finished yet. As Mark Schultz, one of my favorite Christian artists sings, "You never said it would be easy, but You said You'd see me through the storm."
"Send some rain, would You send some rain?

'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again

And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for You

How to bless the very sun that warms our faceIf You never send us rain"

Emotions can often cloud our perception and objectivity in situations so that we aren't ready to see what God wants us to see.  Or perhaps God uses it to prevent us from seeing a lesson until the timing is right.  Shortly after this post was written, God showed up in a very special way, that was for me and me alone.  He did exactly what I wrote about days earlier:  He showed me how He's still painting. He's still in control.  And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Everywhere

I was on Pinterest a few weeks ago and saw a picture of a very cute necklace.  I went searching online to see if I could find one locally and it was nowhere to be found.  The only place I could find it was Etsy.com, which is a site where people make their own stuff and sell it.  The ones on there were expensive and even though I love it, I decided I would wait to get one.  See, it was 2 lovebirds on a branch and the ones on Etsy, you can get letters printed on leaves that hang from the branch.  Adorable.  So I figured I would be patient and wait until either a) I got pregnant or b) knew I would never get pregnant and could therefore afford it. I put it out of my mind since that was my decision.

I was at Target this morning and perusing the jewelry section for a completely different item when I look down and there's the necklace.  Exact. Same. Necklace.  At a price that was ridiculous, in a good way.  I was so stunned.  I picked it up, waited until I got out in the car (after paying of course) and started to cry.

Seems ridiculous, right?  But here's what it felt like: God gave me a gift.  It was a way for Him to tell me I was important or special.  But as I drove away, I realized it was even deeper than that.  He knew a deep desire of mine. Without me having to say a word.  I never told a single soul about that necklace. Why would I?  It was a desire that I kept to myself.  But He KNEW.  He knew without me asking or saying a word.  That's a tremendously overwhelming feeling.  Especially in the midst of something as huge as fertility struggles.  To have Him give me this scenario is Him gently whispering, "Trust me.  Hang in there a little longer.  I've been hearing you this whole time.  Just trust me because I love you."

It may seem foolish to get so emotional about a necklace.  And yeah it probably is.  But it's what it symbolizes to ME that makes it significant.  HE knew it would mean something for me to find that.  And He knew I needed it right then.  This week has been particularly difficult and for the first time in the process, I've felt inklings of wanting to give up.

This small gesture has encouraged me to hold on with Him until He's done, whichever way it turns out.  I'm extremely moved that my Savior loves me enough to speak to me, encourage me in ways that are unique to ME.  He's everywhere I look, as long as I keep my eyes open, looking for Him.

"You’re every time I turn around 

In every sound
You’re in the very air I breathe
You’re up above
And now I know
You’re in my soul
You’re in the very depths of me

And every step I take
I take by faith
Oh and now I see

I believe" 

I Will Follow

So this entry might not seem like a fertility entry, but it will be. I promise.

The month of July has turned into forgiveness month in our house.  I'd say it's bizarre, but God doesn't do bizarre. And as I've proven in an earlier post, He doesn't do coincidences either.  In the past 19 days, my husband and I have had reconciliations with 5 different people that we had issues with in the past 4 years. I'm not kidding.

It started off innocently enough. My husband asked if I was willing to get together with another couple that I hadn't spoken to in 3 years. (I'd been holding a grudge against the wife; our husbands have been getting together once or twice a year since we last spoke).  The Holy Spirit tugged at my heart and said "it's time."  So we scheduled it. We met this past Friday.  It brought us peace in our friendship.

That same week, I was cleaning out my Facebook messages and came across a message I had sent an old friend that caused her to effectively end our relationship.  I re-read it and realized how condescending it sounded.  So I sent her an email asking for her forgiveness.  It brought me peace in my soul.

The next week, my husband was coming home and saw a neighbor of ours that we had a major issue with back in February.  The two of them exchanged angry words and the police were even called (by us).  He said that he felt the Holy Spirit pushing him to apologize for his anger causing him to get out of hand.  It brought peace to both of us here at home.

At some point, a friend I was holding bitterness towards commented on a status of mine on facebook with a compliment of sorts.  The Holy Spirit encouraged me to answer it in the same spirit her message was sent: kindness.  It brought me peace from bitterness.

Lastly, yesterday a groomsmen from our wedding, who we haven't seen or spoken to since he walked out of our reception early showed up at my husband's baseball game.  My husband was tremendously hurt, but when he walked off the field between innings and saw him, he graciously shook his hand and asked him how things were going.  It brought my husband peace.

Like I said, God doesn't do coincidences or random.  He's methodical.  Purposeful.   Exact.  So what does all this mean and how does it relate to fertility?

Each of these situations was something unsettled in our lives.  It caused some sort of hurt on the emotions spectrum and caused our souls some level of distress.  However, in 19 days, Christ gave peace in not one, not two but FIVE situations that needed it.  He was showing us something.  Kind of symbolic, I feel.  He was saying, "look at all these situations that caused you stress.  They are all at least 6 months old, with the oldest being 4 years old.  That's a long time. However, even after all that time, I still gave you peace, didn't I?  And after all that time, I was still thinking of you.  I promised to take care of you and I did.  Now that you're facing another difficult time, are you not going to trust me?  If I didn't leave you when it came to peace with the lives of others, why would I leave you when it comes to creating another life?"

It call comes down to trust.  Do I trust Him?  Yes.  There will always be shades of doubt, of wonder, of discouragement.  That's normal.  We're sinners who lack the ability to see  as far as God can.  But it doesn't allow us to not follow Him when He asks us to.  To wait when He asks us to.  To forgive when He asks us to.  To ask for forgiveness when He asks us to.  When He asks, we need to be willing to say, I will.

"All your ways are good 
All your ways are sure 
I will trust in you alone 
Higher than my side 
High above my life 
I will trust in you alone 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/chris_tomlin/i_will_follow.html ]
Where you go, I'll go 
Where you stay, I'll stay 
When you move, I'll move 
I will follow you"

Strong Enough

The first day of a new cycle is a tough day.  There's not use in sugar coating it - the day sucks.  Most women get their period and at most are unhappy about the inconvenience or the way your body feels.  For women struggling with infertility, the first day of a new cycle is letdown day.

Each month is a roller coaster from start to finish.  You start off disappointed (we'll get back to this) due to the new cycle, then begin to get over it as the disappointment fades, you get more hopeful as another ovulation time hits, anxious as you get closer to your new cycle, and then disappointed when the new cycle hits.  No one really understands the vicious ride your emotions take when you're trying to conceive, even if you're in a period where you know the chances are low.

It really is a day to day process.  Each day I must awake, setting my sights on things above and remembering that my journey isn't over yet.  Most days are doable, but that first day of the new cycle when you realize your dreams wont be realized for yet ANOTHER month..... those days I don't feel strong enough to handle it anymore.  I don't feel like I can survive the process.  My emotions crash back to earth and I know that if I'm trying to rely on my own strength, I won't make it.  I'm constantly in need of a higher power.  A power that promises to take care of me for HIS good and HIS purpose.  I can do ALL things if He gives me strength.

"You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can doOn my own
...
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

For the both of us"

No Matter What

My best friend and her husband scheduled a get together with us today.  It should have surprised me more because a) they travel so I don't see them often and b) they aren't the plan making types.  Scheduling time together is like trying to nail jell-o to a wall.  They came over to tell us they were pregnant.

When you hear those words from someone else, time kind of stops for a second.  You feel like you're suspended in mid-air, paralyzed to move or say anything.  Then in the very next second your brain kicks in and starts to think a mile a minute.  What do I say? How do I congratulate them and sound sincere? How do hide my own sadness and not ruin their joy?  Are they afraid to tell me because they think I'll fall apart? Will I fall apart?  How DO I feel about it?

It's difficult to explain to people not struggling with fertility how it feels when others have their happy news to share.  It's not jealousy.  It's not anger.  it's not bitterness.  Perhaps the best word is simply sad wonder.  You want your friend to understand how ECSTATIC you are for her. It's a BABY.  She's going to be a mom for the first time! You've been friends since before she met her husband and you have seen each other through the toughest of times.  You know how much this means to her.  On the very other side of that feeling is the feeling that you can never seem to escape: sad wonder.  Why not me too?  It's a difficult question to avoid asking internally.  Her announcement is a reminder of the one thing you try your best to fill your day NOT thinking about.

I'm sure those fertility friendly people struggle with how to tell their fertility struggling friends their news, wondering how we'll handle it.  It's a sensitive subject for sure, and while we appreciate your concern, it's not your baby we want.  It's OUR baby.  So your news, while it reminds us of something sad in OUR lives, doesn't diminish our excitement over YOUR good news in your life.

No matter what, my God is in control. NO matter what, I know my life has a plan already in place.  That means no matter what happens, I need to be trusting in the One who can see me through the tough times.

"I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You 
No matter what 
No matter what 

When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it, without Your help
I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons, for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling
God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength"

God is able

Waiting is the hardest part.  I really haven't had to wait for much in my life.  Rides at DisneyWorld is probably the longest I've had to wait for anything (what? wasn't that about 10 years of my life??)

At this point, we can only wait.  We can continue to "try" naturally, but according to the doctor, it's kind of pointless (less than 1%, remember?)  So it comes down to waiting. Waiting until August when my hubby takes another semen analysis to see what has changed. If anything.

Waiting is the hardest part.  Or maybe it comes in second to feeling helpless.  Perhaps it's cyclical.  Waiting makes me feel helpless.  Being helpless makes me have to wait longer.  A vicious cycle that only God can end.

I keep reminding myself that He CAN end the cycle.  In ways I would never dream. He is able to conquer anything that stands in our way.  As difficult as it is to remember day to day, minute to minute, He calls me to trust in the most difficult of times.


"God is able
He will never fail
He is almighty God
Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things


God is with us
God is on our side
He will make a way
Far above all we know
Far above all we hope
He has done great things"

Already There

I realized that through this whole "blogging to encourage others who are going through the same thing" that I never really described my story.  While it's a rather short one (so far!), it really does speak to why I have relied so heavily on my faith in Christ to see me through.


It all began a year ago....


May 2011:  I had just finished my Master's Degree, and since I'm a teacher, that's a big deal so you can begin to make more money and have a more secure certification.  My husband and I had one rule for waiting to try to have kids: we wanted to make sure we had a house that was big enough to have a child instead of our 1 bedroom apartment that we started our marriage in.  We moved in March 2010, but I knew trying to have a baby while I was finishing my Master's was a bad idea.  So a year later I finished and realized the time had come to begin to try to have a baby.  


Those of you who are teachers understand when I say I felt the need to plan it.  And plan it WELL.  Teachers have weird schedules, being that we teach for 10 months and are off for 2 and we only get so much maternity leave, combined with sick and personal days.  So as soon as my Master's was finished, I went into plan mode.  I counted the months I'd be pregnant, counted the weeks I'd get off and realized I could give birth any time from February on.  That meant trying to conceive in June.  Perfect.  


June 2011:  The husband and I try to conceive and I am convinced it would work the first time out. I couldn't tell you why.  I keep track of EVERYTHING (like a good OCD girl) and when I realize I'm not pregnant, I deflate a little.  Ok, maybe I  sick, or maybe the timing was wrong. (Notice all the focus and trust is in ME) Onto month #2...


July 2011:  Since this month was not successful either and it happened to be my annual exam month, I figure I'll ask my gynecologist what we might be doing wrong.  "Too often" is what I am told.  He keeps telling me that he'll "see me in 5 months", which I am a little put off by.  How could he be sure I'd absolutely get pregnant in that time?  He qualifies by saying that if it doesn't happen in 5 months of trying, I should come back to see him.   (Notice all the trust is in the DOCTOR)


November 2011:  You saw where this was going right?  Well, we go back to see him where he orders several tests.  Two blood tests for me (Day 3 and Day 21) and a semen test for my husband.  My tests are fine.  The husband's tests.... not fine, but could have been due to illness.  They need to be repeated in December.  


December 2011:  Husband repeats semen test to same results.  The gyno suggests a fertility doctor from this point on.


January 2012:  We meet with the fertility doctor who, thanks to our health care plan (yes the one through the school district) we have limited options for coverage.  He suggests trying somewhat naturally with the help of monthly blood tests and instructions of when to time intercourse. (Notice all the trust is in the DOCTOR)


March 2012:  After 3 cycles of no results, the doctor puts me on a low dose of Clomid to try and get more eggs.  More nets = more targets = more possible goals.  


Here's where the story gets interesting....


April 2012:  I see the doctor on my monthly visit.  This time, it's a different doctor, as mine is on vacation.  (oddity #1).  He sits me down and says "You have less than 1% of conceiving naturally. Has anyone suggested that your husband see a urologist?"  Umm, no they haven't (oddity #2).  Later that day, I'm called and told that due to the timing, the doctor wants to do an IUI THE NEXT DAY.  Thankfully, I'm on my spring break from school so I have the time to go (oddity #3).  This turns out to not be successful.  Husband goes to the urologist where he is told he has a varicocele and it needs to be fixed via outpatient surgery.  He has the surgery (successfully) and we are told that we won't know how this helped fertility (if at all) for at least 3 months.  Doctor orders a follow up semen test in late July/early August. (Now who is my trust in....?)

That is the timeline of the conception journey, but my journey of faith.  There's more to that....

May 2012: Several new developments begin to surface.  First, I am told that my schedule next year will be different than the past 5.  I will have to split my day driving between two different schools.  It's not good or bad, just different and slightly annoying as it's a major change and a totally new class to plan and teach (oddity #4).  The class that is entering 8th grade next year (the grade I mainly teach) is the worst class behaviorally in my 5 years teaching (oddity #5).  In addition, our school board is still struggling to agree to terms of a new teacher contract, which is a first for me.  There's a tremendous amount of concern we might have a LOT of turmoil and unrest next year because of contract negotiations or lack thereof (oddity #6).

Through all of this, I know my God is not a God of coincidences. I know that each situation was planted at each time for a specific reason. I know there is a reason the gynecologist never mentioned a urologist to us in November.  I know there's a reason my fertility doctor never mentioned the urologist or the less than 1% chance in January.  I know there's a reason I was supposed to have the BEST year of teaching with the BEST group of students and not leave mid year. I know there's a reason why there's a perfect storm looming over next year.  I know all of that, but it's all I know.  I couldn't tell you the why. I couldn't tell you the plan.  I couldn't even tell you what because I don't know it all.

All I know is that I'm on this ride for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.  Throughout this journey, I've put my trust in myself, my doctors, anywhere it seems, but my God.  My God can move mountains and can part oceans.  He plans my path and makes my ways straight because He's already at the end looking back at His handiwork and admiring what He did.  Lord, thank You for planning all that You have. I pray that Your glory shine through each part of my story: beginning, middle, and end.


"From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there"

He said

I find the more I search for answers, the more confused I become.  The more I rest in the presences of His spirit (aka "let go and let God"), I see His hand more clearly.  


We have officially hit the one year mark of "trying."  It's an interesting mark because a LOT has happened to us in the past year. Yet nothing has changed.  Yet (again), from our perspective, EVERYTHING has changed.  


A year ago, I assumed a lot about my life.  Today, I see that assuming is egotistical and usually WRONG.  


A year ago, I researched because I put all the responsibility on me and Jon.  Today, I pray and leave all the data to God, since there's no way I can research and educate myself on EVERY fertility situation.  


A year ago, I trusted no one because I ascribed to the notion "if you want something done right, do it yourself."  Today, while in an earthy, business sense I still ascribe to that notion, when it comes to fertility, it's physically impossible to do it myself.  


A year ago, I had no idea how truly lacking my relationship with Jesus Christ was.  Today, I'm aware of how much each breath I take desperately needs Him to be the lung that holds that oxygen.  

As I look back on the past year, I like to think I see how God's hand has written this story so far and how all the scenes have beautifully woven together.  I'll be honest: while it's a beautiful to look back and see His work, it's difficult to not look forward and wonder.  Usually we have a sense of where we are going.  We take a GPS on trips.  We have instructions in a newly opened toy.  We use headlights while driving at night.  Imagine how unsteady or scary, even it might feel to go into any of those situations without those items.  That's what God is asking of us on a daily basis though.  Even though you might not be facing a test at this exact moment, each step you take, every interaction you have with friends or strangers, God demands full dependence on Him.  He's at the end of our journey already.  He's simply asking to be the travel guide so he can take us on the most fulfilling journey for us both.  


"Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and no, I'll never ever let you go
Don't you forget what He said"

Not where I belong

I can't really pinpoint what deciding factor made me want to start blogging again.  The last time I blogged was in college and it was a fun way to remember stories and/or keep in touch with my family back at home.

Years later, I find myself in need of an outlet.  A way to express thoughts, feelings, and stories that no one around me wants to hear for the millionth time.  And if in the process, someone else can empathize or find comfort in my words, then Praise the Lord for His perfect plan.

I guess the question is why now?  What could possibly be going on in life now that requires a way to vent or rationalize.  Well, it's something that many people struggle with that often does not get discussed.  Many people keep the struggle private, while others do not know how to broach the subject with those people around them.  I find myself in the latter category, wanting to do something productive with my struggles instead of internalizing them.

Well, here's the place for it, I suppose.  For the past 10 months, my husband and I have struggled with fertility issues.  There. I said it.  Phew.  Maybe in the future I'll feel more comfortable going into detail, but for now, admitting it feels good enough.

Here I am at 29 years old (young?) and having trouble conceiving.  People my age are having kids left and right (and up and down) because, well, that's "what comes next."  Family and friends silently look at their watches, counting the time Jon and I have been married, and want to know what the hold up is.  I wish I could tell them.  I wish I didn't feel a stigma.  But I do.  It's there because the social convention and assumption is dating to engagement to married to kids.  Well, here we are on step 3 of the life plan and can't make it to step 4.

This blog will serve many purposes, most likely.  I will chronicle my journey trying to conceive, with as much detail as I feel comfortable sharing publicly.  But more often, it will be my inner musings and meanderings about a world that is not where I belong.  It will be my daily struggle to see the Lord and rejoice in His mercies.

"So when the walls come falling down on me 
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea 
I have this blessed assurance holding me.

All I know is I'm not home yet 
This is not where I belong 
Take this world and give me Jesus 
This is not where I belong"