Advice for Non-Infertiles Part 1

I often come across situations where I think "if only the realized what they are saying..." when it comes to people who aren't dealing with infertility. I recognize that it's awkward for everyone involved, trying to figure out how to handle a sensitive subject.  Perhaps it would be helpful to offer a little advice for those not directly dealing with an infertility situation. I apologize if any of this sounds harsh. It's meant to help, not chastise.

Don'ts:

• Don't offer advice - Not matter how well intentioned, advice from someone who is not directly involved in our personal fertility situation is never received well. Yes, I'm sure there are times you really do mean well, but trust us: if there's something we could have done, we will have already tried it. Plus, you aren't a doctor so you really aren't qualified to offer us advice on our situation.  (Really, you come across like a know-it-all and I'm pretty sure that's not your intention!)
• Don't offer cliches - This is almost worse than advice. "At least you're having fun trying!" or "Just relax!" or "I'm jealous! I miss not having kids" are some of the least helpful statements I have ever heard in my life. Not only do they have no medical merit (which is what our situation is: MEDICAL), they are extremely condescending. You are trivializing our pain, suffering, and devastation.
• Don't assume you understand - Some of you may know someone who has been through it. I'm glad you've had some exposure to what those dealing with infertility go through. However, just because you know someone who has struggled to varying degrees does not mean you have any idea what each man or woman dealing with infertility is going through. There are countless reasons a person is infertile and numerous medical methods. You can't "know" what every single infertile person is dealing with unless you talk to them specifically. 
• Don't assume something that worked for your friend will work for everyone - You know someone who had success working with a certain doctor, using a certain medication, or trying a certain medical procedure. I'm SO glad! Praise God that infertile couple was able to find joy. However, there is NO guarantee that what worked for your friend will work for me or someone else. Every single person is different and our body makeups are unique. Trust me - we wish that were the case, but we've been through enough to know it might disappoint us.
• Don't trivialize how someone feels who isn't infertile, but is affected by someone who is- There are a few people in my life who are aware of our struggles. And even fewer who know most of the details of what's made it so difficult.  However, I am POSITIVE that our struggle is difficult for them. Sure, they aren't the ones going through the blood work, tests, and disappointments, but they are saddened on our behalf because they are close to us. Please don't negate their empathetic sadness. It is real and appreciated.
• Don't take your kids/situation for granted - One of the most irksome things for me is when parents take their kids for granted. So many couples would LOVE to be in your position - getting no sleep, hearing screaming babies, fighting siblings, but they can't. To hear you complain about your situation doesn't make us want kids less. It makes us disappointed in you for sounding ungrateful. We know kids aren't perfect so parenthood isn't perfect. But think about your audience. You're talking to someone who is devoting a large portion of their lives to having exactly what you are complaining about. It's extremely insensitive. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's how I personally feel. 

Do's:

• Be honost with us - If you have no idea what to say, tell us that. If you are afraid to say something hurtful, say that. We respect your honesty. We know this is weird for those around us and we appreciate you caring enough to WANT to say something but NOT wanting to hurt us. 
• Ask us for our advice - About to start trying for a baby and afraid that we are going to be upset if you get pregnant before we do? Ask us for how we would like you to handle telling us. Have a baby announcement you want to send us? Call us. Tell us you want to include us but don't want to upset us. Putting together a baby shower list? Ask us if we want a physical invite or verbal invite. Ask us if you're unsure about anything at all - chances are we'll be grateful you care enough to think of us and ask.
• Be sensitive - Infertility is one of the most preciously delicate situations families can find themselves in other than death or infidelity (in my opinion). No one would dare assume they know exactly what to do or say in those situations. Just be sensitive. We aren't made of glass, but our hearts and souls are deeply invested in this process and you have the ability to protect it or destroy it.

I Still Believe

The fertility journey is an unpredictable one. Our bodies are miraculous wonders and predicting how they will behave one minute to the next is like trying to predict God.  It's just impossible.

Nothing about this journey has been easy.  It's expensive.  It's time consuming. It's emotionally draining. It's physically draining. All with no positive outcome promised. The most obvious question to ask is then why do we keep going through it? Why go through so much heartache, hassle, and hardship  if the chances are so unpredictable and unknown? The answer is as complicated as it is simple: Because this is the journey we know God has us on.

For each negative, there have been positives, even though the ultimate positive has yet to be attained.

1. My husband and I have grown in our marriage by leaps and bounds.  2 years ago, I didn't have the slightest idea what it meant to be partners with my husband. To be best friends. To be two halves of a whole.  I get it now. Even though trading my partner might mean having a different fertility outcome, I wouldn't trade him for the world. I understand and respect my partner more today than I did yesterday and more than I did the day before. That growth gained through this experience is priceless.

2. The relationship I have with my Savior has changed tremendously. Christian meant very few things to me. It meant I accepted Christ as my Savior, went to church, prayed at least once a day, and tried to mention God in a non-Christian situation at least once a day. There's so much more to the Christian Faith and walk than I ever imagined. I'm nowhere near where I need to be, but to be aware of how little I actually know my Lord helps encourage me in the right direction, as odd as it sounds. It helps me know there's more to this life than the only outcome I have my eyes on. God is so much bigger than I realized.

3. I have mellowed. Tremendously. It seemed impossible for a Type A, controlling, worrisome first born to mellow. But it happened. God used this journey to pry the controls from my hands and show me what it means to "let it go." It's not something I've ever understood... until THIS. People at work have mentioned that I don't seem to make a big deal out of things. That is a huge compliment. One I won't take credit for. But it still means a lot.

4. I now have a huge appreciation for things I have always taken for granted. I now understand that nothing in life is as easy as I always assumed.  People, animals, and earthly belongings are not promised to us. They aren't guaranteed. Nothing but our "needs" are promised in God's word. Everything else is icing on the cake. Gracious and grateful is how I now feel.

Whether or not we have a baby naturally, through fertility methods, or never have kids, this difficult journey has changed me. It's made me a stronger wife, Christian, and woman. All because God has a plan that I need to trust to completion. I sure hope He isn't done with me yet.

"Though the questions still fog up my mind

with promises I still seem to bear

even when answers slowly unwind

it's my heart I see You prepare

but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain

from every finger tip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness

I still believe in Your truth

I still believe in Your holy word

even when I don't see, I still believe"