Not much has happened or change since my last post. Fertility wise, I healed "beautifully" (doctor's words, not mine) from the miscarriage and if we want, it's safe to try again. That discussion between my husband and I is a difficult one. I'll get to that in a bit. That actually wasn't the surprising part. I was informed of a position in another school district that was open and applied for it. It is the best school district in the county and has a terrific reputation. I got called for an interview and I felt it went well. Suddenly, I'm thrown into a confusing situation. I had pictured my life going one direction (not having kids and working at my current school district forever) when all of a sudden there's another option. Now I can't see anything because I have no idea where any of this will go.
Just as quickly as the opportunity came up, it was gone just as quickly. Turns out, I must not have been what they were looking for since I didn't get a call for a second interview. Seems odd doesn't it? Why would God plant this wonderful opportunity into my lap only to have it taken away a week later?
The important things in my life have pretty much fallen into my lap (or so it seems to me) so that I knew that's what God wanted me to do. College, husband, jobs, even our real estate agent. I know that sounds silly, but since I constantly second guess myself, I figure that's God's way of showing me that THIS is the path to choose because HE chose it, not me. So I assumed (you know what assuming does...) that this job was meant for me since it came out of nowhere. Clearly I was wrong. However, the only important thing in my life that hasn't just fallen in my lap is children.
All my life I made assumptions about how my adult life would be and part of that was having kids. This is the first thing I've really had to work for. And word HARD for. That's what makes this journey difficult for my husband and I. Selfishly, I probably would have given up a year ago. If not a year ago, then 2 months ago with the miscarriage. But that's the thing about marriage - you aren't in it alone and must make decisions with another person who may very well disagree with you.
It would be easy to guilt my husband with thoughts about what my body has been through trying to get pregnant. I would be easy to allow my emotions to bleed through and overwhelm him with my sadness to sway him. It would even be easy to convince him with all the things that we have said we want to do if we don't have kids. But I won't do it. I can't. I'm fully in this marriage which means I need to think about the both of us, not just myself. My husband is a kind man. He is loyal, responsible, and just a rock steady person. He deserves children of his own. I see him with our dog and he loves her unconditionally that I can see how a child would be lucky to have him as a father.
So we press on in the fertility journey. I no longer am doing this just for me. I am now doing it for us. even if we never have kids, it makes the world of difference to me who I was doing it for.
