I Will Follow

So this entry might not seem like a fertility entry, but it will be. I promise.

The month of July has turned into forgiveness month in our house.  I'd say it's bizarre, but God doesn't do bizarre. And as I've proven in an earlier post, He doesn't do coincidences either.  In the past 19 days, my husband and I have had reconciliations with 5 different people that we had issues with in the past 4 years. I'm not kidding.

It started off innocently enough. My husband asked if I was willing to get together with another couple that I hadn't spoken to in 3 years. (I'd been holding a grudge against the wife; our husbands have been getting together once or twice a year since we last spoke).  The Holy Spirit tugged at my heart and said "it's time."  So we scheduled it. We met this past Friday.  It brought us peace in our friendship.

That same week, I was cleaning out my Facebook messages and came across a message I had sent an old friend that caused her to effectively end our relationship.  I re-read it and realized how condescending it sounded.  So I sent her an email asking for her forgiveness.  It brought me peace in my soul.

The next week, my husband was coming home and saw a neighbor of ours that we had a major issue with back in February.  The two of them exchanged angry words and the police were even called (by us).  He said that he felt the Holy Spirit pushing him to apologize for his anger causing him to get out of hand.  It brought peace to both of us here at home.

At some point, a friend I was holding bitterness towards commented on a status of mine on facebook with a compliment of sorts.  The Holy Spirit encouraged me to answer it in the same spirit her message was sent: kindness.  It brought me peace from bitterness.

Lastly, yesterday a groomsmen from our wedding, who we haven't seen or spoken to since he walked out of our reception early showed up at my husband's baseball game.  My husband was tremendously hurt, but when he walked off the field between innings and saw him, he graciously shook his hand and asked him how things were going.  It brought my husband peace.

Like I said, God doesn't do coincidences or random.  He's methodical.  Purposeful.   Exact.  So what does all this mean and how does it relate to fertility?

Each of these situations was something unsettled in our lives.  It caused some sort of hurt on the emotions spectrum and caused our souls some level of distress.  However, in 19 days, Christ gave peace in not one, not two but FIVE situations that needed it.  He was showing us something.  Kind of symbolic, I feel.  He was saying, "look at all these situations that caused you stress.  They are all at least 6 months old, with the oldest being 4 years old.  That's a long time. However, even after all that time, I still gave you peace, didn't I?  And after all that time, I was still thinking of you.  I promised to take care of you and I did.  Now that you're facing another difficult time, are you not going to trust me?  If I didn't leave you when it came to peace with the lives of others, why would I leave you when it comes to creating another life?"

It call comes down to trust.  Do I trust Him?  Yes.  There will always be shades of doubt, of wonder, of discouragement.  That's normal.  We're sinners who lack the ability to see  as far as God can.  But it doesn't allow us to not follow Him when He asks us to.  To wait when He asks us to.  To forgive when He asks us to.  To ask for forgiveness when He asks us to.  When He asks, we need to be willing to say, I will.

"All your ways are good 
All your ways are sure 
I will trust in you alone 
Higher than my side 
High above my life 
I will trust in you alone 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/chris_tomlin/i_will_follow.html ]
Where you go, I'll go 
Where you stay, I'll stay 
When you move, I'll move 
I will follow you"

Strong Enough

The first day of a new cycle is a tough day.  There's not use in sugar coating it - the day sucks.  Most women get their period and at most are unhappy about the inconvenience or the way your body feels.  For women struggling with infertility, the first day of a new cycle is letdown day.

Each month is a roller coaster from start to finish.  You start off disappointed (we'll get back to this) due to the new cycle, then begin to get over it as the disappointment fades, you get more hopeful as another ovulation time hits, anxious as you get closer to your new cycle, and then disappointed when the new cycle hits.  No one really understands the vicious ride your emotions take when you're trying to conceive, even if you're in a period where you know the chances are low.

It really is a day to day process.  Each day I must awake, setting my sights on things above and remembering that my journey isn't over yet.  Most days are doable, but that first day of the new cycle when you realize your dreams wont be realized for yet ANOTHER month..... those days I don't feel strong enough to handle it anymore.  I don't feel like I can survive the process.  My emotions crash back to earth and I know that if I'm trying to rely on my own strength, I won't make it.  I'm constantly in need of a higher power.  A power that promises to take care of me for HIS good and HIS purpose.  I can do ALL things if He gives me strength.

"You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can doOn my own
...
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

For the both of us"

No Matter What

My best friend and her husband scheduled a get together with us today.  It should have surprised me more because a) they travel so I don't see them often and b) they aren't the plan making types.  Scheduling time together is like trying to nail jell-o to a wall.  They came over to tell us they were pregnant.

When you hear those words from someone else, time kind of stops for a second.  You feel like you're suspended in mid-air, paralyzed to move or say anything.  Then in the very next second your brain kicks in and starts to think a mile a minute.  What do I say? How do I congratulate them and sound sincere? How do hide my own sadness and not ruin their joy?  Are they afraid to tell me because they think I'll fall apart? Will I fall apart?  How DO I feel about it?

It's difficult to explain to people not struggling with fertility how it feels when others have their happy news to share.  It's not jealousy.  It's not anger.  it's not bitterness.  Perhaps the best word is simply sad wonder.  You want your friend to understand how ECSTATIC you are for her. It's a BABY.  She's going to be a mom for the first time! You've been friends since before she met her husband and you have seen each other through the toughest of times.  You know how much this means to her.  On the very other side of that feeling is the feeling that you can never seem to escape: sad wonder.  Why not me too?  It's a difficult question to avoid asking internally.  Her announcement is a reminder of the one thing you try your best to fill your day NOT thinking about.

I'm sure those fertility friendly people struggle with how to tell their fertility struggling friends their news, wondering how we'll handle it.  It's a sensitive subject for sure, and while we appreciate your concern, it's not your baby we want.  It's OUR baby.  So your news, while it reminds us of something sad in OUR lives, doesn't diminish our excitement over YOUR good news in your life.

No matter what, my God is in control. NO matter what, I know my life has a plan already in place.  That means no matter what happens, I need to be trusting in the One who can see me through the tough times.

"I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You 
No matter what 
No matter what 

When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it, without Your help
I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons, for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling
God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength"