I can't really pinpoint what deciding factor made me want to start blogging again. The last time I blogged was in college and it was a fun way to remember stories and/or keep in touch with my family back at home.
Years later, I find myself in need of an outlet. A way to express thoughts, feelings, and stories that no one around me wants to hear for the millionth time. And if in the process, someone else can empathize or find comfort in my words, then Praise the Lord for His perfect plan.
I guess the question is why now? What could possibly be going on in life now that requires a way to vent or rationalize. Well, it's something that many people struggle with that often does not get discussed. Many people keep the struggle private, while others do not know how to broach the subject with those people around them. I find myself in the latter category, wanting to do something productive with my struggles instead of internalizing them.
Well, here's the place for it, I suppose. For the past 10 months, my husband and I have struggled with fertility issues. There. I said it. Phew. Maybe in the future I'll feel more comfortable going into detail, but for now, admitting it feels good enough.
Here I am at 29 years old (young?) and having trouble conceiving. People my age are having kids left and right (and up and down) because, well, that's "what comes next." Family and friends silently look at their watches, counting the time Jon and I have been married, and want to know what the hold up is. I wish I could tell them. I wish I didn't feel a stigma. But I do. It's there because the social convention and assumption is dating to engagement to married to kids. Well, here we are on step 3 of the life plan and can't make it to step 4.
This blog will serve many purposes, most likely. I will chronicle my journey trying to conceive, with as much detail as I feel comfortable sharing publicly. But more often, it will be my inner musings and meanderings about a world that is not where I belong. It will be my daily struggle to see the Lord and rejoice in His mercies.
"So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me.
All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong"
