God is able

Waiting is the hardest part.  I really haven't had to wait for much in my life.  Rides at DisneyWorld is probably the longest I've had to wait for anything (what? wasn't that about 10 years of my life??)

At this point, we can only wait.  We can continue to "try" naturally, but according to the doctor, it's kind of pointless (less than 1%, remember?)  So it comes down to waiting. Waiting until August when my hubby takes another semen analysis to see what has changed. If anything.

Waiting is the hardest part.  Or maybe it comes in second to feeling helpless.  Perhaps it's cyclical.  Waiting makes me feel helpless.  Being helpless makes me have to wait longer.  A vicious cycle that only God can end.

I keep reminding myself that He CAN end the cycle.  In ways I would never dream. He is able to conquer anything that stands in our way.  As difficult as it is to remember day to day, minute to minute, He calls me to trust in the most difficult of times.


"God is able
He will never fail
He is almighty God
Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things


God is with us
God is on our side
He will make a way
Far above all we know
Far above all we hope
He has done great things"

Already There

I realized that through this whole "blogging to encourage others who are going through the same thing" that I never really described my story.  While it's a rather short one (so far!), it really does speak to why I have relied so heavily on my faith in Christ to see me through.


It all began a year ago....


May 2011:  I had just finished my Master's Degree, and since I'm a teacher, that's a big deal so you can begin to make more money and have a more secure certification.  My husband and I had one rule for waiting to try to have kids: we wanted to make sure we had a house that was big enough to have a child instead of our 1 bedroom apartment that we started our marriage in.  We moved in March 2010, but I knew trying to have a baby while I was finishing my Master's was a bad idea.  So a year later I finished and realized the time had come to begin to try to have a baby.  


Those of you who are teachers understand when I say I felt the need to plan it.  And plan it WELL.  Teachers have weird schedules, being that we teach for 10 months and are off for 2 and we only get so much maternity leave, combined with sick and personal days.  So as soon as my Master's was finished, I went into plan mode.  I counted the months I'd be pregnant, counted the weeks I'd get off and realized I could give birth any time from February on.  That meant trying to conceive in June.  Perfect.  


June 2011:  The husband and I try to conceive and I am convinced it would work the first time out. I couldn't tell you why.  I keep track of EVERYTHING (like a good OCD girl) and when I realize I'm not pregnant, I deflate a little.  Ok, maybe I  sick, or maybe the timing was wrong. (Notice all the focus and trust is in ME) Onto month #2...


July 2011:  Since this month was not successful either and it happened to be my annual exam month, I figure I'll ask my gynecologist what we might be doing wrong.  "Too often" is what I am told.  He keeps telling me that he'll "see me in 5 months", which I am a little put off by.  How could he be sure I'd absolutely get pregnant in that time?  He qualifies by saying that if it doesn't happen in 5 months of trying, I should come back to see him.   (Notice all the trust is in the DOCTOR)


November 2011:  You saw where this was going right?  Well, we go back to see him where he orders several tests.  Two blood tests for me (Day 3 and Day 21) and a semen test for my husband.  My tests are fine.  The husband's tests.... not fine, but could have been due to illness.  They need to be repeated in December.  


December 2011:  Husband repeats semen test to same results.  The gyno suggests a fertility doctor from this point on.


January 2012:  We meet with the fertility doctor who, thanks to our health care plan (yes the one through the school district) we have limited options for coverage.  He suggests trying somewhat naturally with the help of monthly blood tests and instructions of when to time intercourse. (Notice all the trust is in the DOCTOR)


March 2012:  After 3 cycles of no results, the doctor puts me on a low dose of Clomid to try and get more eggs.  More nets = more targets = more possible goals.  


Here's where the story gets interesting....


April 2012:  I see the doctor on my monthly visit.  This time, it's a different doctor, as mine is on vacation.  (oddity #1).  He sits me down and says "You have less than 1% of conceiving naturally. Has anyone suggested that your husband see a urologist?"  Umm, no they haven't (oddity #2).  Later that day, I'm called and told that due to the timing, the doctor wants to do an IUI THE NEXT DAY.  Thankfully, I'm on my spring break from school so I have the time to go (oddity #3).  This turns out to not be successful.  Husband goes to the urologist where he is told he has a varicocele and it needs to be fixed via outpatient surgery.  He has the surgery (successfully) and we are told that we won't know how this helped fertility (if at all) for at least 3 months.  Doctor orders a follow up semen test in late July/early August. (Now who is my trust in....?)

That is the timeline of the conception journey, but my journey of faith.  There's more to that....

May 2012: Several new developments begin to surface.  First, I am told that my schedule next year will be different than the past 5.  I will have to split my day driving between two different schools.  It's not good or bad, just different and slightly annoying as it's a major change and a totally new class to plan and teach (oddity #4).  The class that is entering 8th grade next year (the grade I mainly teach) is the worst class behaviorally in my 5 years teaching (oddity #5).  In addition, our school board is still struggling to agree to terms of a new teacher contract, which is a first for me.  There's a tremendous amount of concern we might have a LOT of turmoil and unrest next year because of contract negotiations or lack thereof (oddity #6).

Through all of this, I know my God is not a God of coincidences. I know that each situation was planted at each time for a specific reason. I know there is a reason the gynecologist never mentioned a urologist to us in November.  I know there's a reason my fertility doctor never mentioned the urologist or the less than 1% chance in January.  I know there's a reason I was supposed to have the BEST year of teaching with the BEST group of students and not leave mid year. I know there's a reason why there's a perfect storm looming over next year.  I know all of that, but it's all I know.  I couldn't tell you the why. I couldn't tell you the plan.  I couldn't even tell you what because I don't know it all.

All I know is that I'm on this ride for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.  Throughout this journey, I've put my trust in myself, my doctors, anywhere it seems, but my God.  My God can move mountains and can part oceans.  He plans my path and makes my ways straight because He's already at the end looking back at His handiwork and admiring what He did.  Lord, thank You for planning all that You have. I pray that Your glory shine through each part of my story: beginning, middle, and end.


"From where I'm standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control

When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there"

He said

I find the more I search for answers, the more confused I become.  The more I rest in the presences of His spirit (aka "let go and let God"), I see His hand more clearly.  


We have officially hit the one year mark of "trying."  It's an interesting mark because a LOT has happened to us in the past year. Yet nothing has changed.  Yet (again), from our perspective, EVERYTHING has changed.  


A year ago, I assumed a lot about my life.  Today, I see that assuming is egotistical and usually WRONG.  


A year ago, I researched because I put all the responsibility on me and Jon.  Today, I pray and leave all the data to God, since there's no way I can research and educate myself on EVERY fertility situation.  


A year ago, I trusted no one because I ascribed to the notion "if you want something done right, do it yourself."  Today, while in an earthy, business sense I still ascribe to that notion, when it comes to fertility, it's physically impossible to do it myself.  


A year ago, I had no idea how truly lacking my relationship with Jesus Christ was.  Today, I'm aware of how much each breath I take desperately needs Him to be the lung that holds that oxygen.  

As I look back on the past year, I like to think I see how God's hand has written this story so far and how all the scenes have beautifully woven together.  I'll be honest: while it's a beautiful to look back and see His work, it's difficult to not look forward and wonder.  Usually we have a sense of where we are going.  We take a GPS on trips.  We have instructions in a newly opened toy.  We use headlights while driving at night.  Imagine how unsteady or scary, even it might feel to go into any of those situations without those items.  That's what God is asking of us on a daily basis though.  Even though you might not be facing a test at this exact moment, each step you take, every interaction you have with friends or strangers, God demands full dependence on Him.  He's at the end of our journey already.  He's simply asking to be the travel guide so he can take us on the most fulfilling journey for us both.  


"Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said

I won't give you more, more then you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and no, I'll never ever let you go
Don't you forget what He said"