Advice for Non-Infertiles Part 2

One of the difficult parts of the infertility journey is knowing how to deal with friends and family who do not understand what we are going through.

My most recent situation involved a co-worker of mine. She and I had been friends since I started working there 5 years before. She has known of our struggles, but has had difficulty relating since she got pregnant with her first child on her first try the year before we began ourselves.

I had been pulling away from her while the IVF process was going on and I did that for several reasons. First, the IVF process is extremely personal and I did not want to share that with a lot of people. I told 2 people who needed to know so they could help me through the logistics when I was not at work. Second, this co-worker has had immense trouble relating to my situation and knowing what to say. I understood that. Especially when she made comments like "I know this is going to happen for you. You'll have kids. I know it." Not being a Christian, she doesn't have the same perspective I have on things not being in our control, but in God's. So I thought it would just be easier for both of us if I left her out of it until I had something definitive to fill her in on.

Unfortunately, the day I had my miscarriage, she heard that I went home and she was extremely upset that she didn't know what was going on with me. Someone eventually told her what happened because she was apparently "freaking out." Red flag number 1.

I decided enough was enough and had a conversation with her. Let me pause here by saying that relationships are tough with infertile and non-infertile people. For the non-infertile, they don't know what to say. They don't want to offend or insult, but they don't want to come across like they don't care. They are constantly walking on eggshells, not knowing what to say or do. Infertile people don't have it much easier. They don't know what people truly want to hear. When someone says "How are you?", they know the phrase is generic and not necessarily an opening. However, the truthful answer to that question is heavy. It's sad and overwhelming. If they answer the question truthfully, they may be bombarding the friend with more than they really want to know. If they don't answer truthfully, then a little piece of their heart breaks as they know deep down they are lying about something that is the most important thing in their lives right at that moment. Infertiles never want people to pity them, but they want sensitivity and understanding. Both walk an enormously thin line when in a relationship.

That being said, I decided it was time to talk to this co-worker who was upset by my backing away during my difficult time. I will spare you the details, but it didn't go well. The conversation, which I assumed would simply consist of "I miss you" type statements from her, was actually all about her and how she felt about my lack of communication with her. There was no remorse or sadness over what I had just been through. There was no offerings of what she could do. It was all about how I've made her feel by not informing her of every detail of my life. Unfortunately, the relationship needed to end right then and there.

Please understand: infertile people do not WANT to be selfish. In fact, we wish we didn't have to be! I hate with every fiber of my being the fact that being infertile and having pregnancy struggles consumes my day, every day. I hate it. But I can't change it. It's the hand God dealt me and I'm not about to smite God. However, that being said, we HAVE to be selfish. It's not only our personal dreams and desires on the line, it's our minds, hearts, and most importantly our bodies! If I didn't have to see the fertility doctor once a week, I wouldn't. If I didn't have to inject myself with hormones, I wouldn't. If I didn't have to force a miscarriage on myself, I wouldn't. We have no choice but to see the journey through until either a child is conceived or the door is shut permanently.

The worst thing a non-infertile person could do is make the situation about themselves. The journey of an infertile person is extremely personal and private. Each man and woman deals with the intricacies in various ways. Would YOU want everyone knowing when you ovulate? Would YOU want everyone knowing when you had to spread your legs to get eggs taken from your body? It's literally a day to day process for us. It's about daily survival. So please. If nothing else, don't add to the negativity that your infertile friend is currently dealing with. Making them feel guilty for not attending to YOUR needs when they are dealing with the most devastating thing in their life makes YOU selfish, not them. We want you in our lives, but not at that cost. We are already being asked to give up so much. Our right to privacy is one of the only things we have left. Please leave us that much. It's not about you.

Lost With No Direction

In a matter of days, life can flip and turn upside down.

We finally moved forward with IVF in April. Things went well, though we didn't get as many eggs as I heard women normally get. We scheduled a pregnancy test with the doctor's office exactly two weeks from the transfer. On a Saturday morning, 3 days before the pregnancy test, at 5 am I went to the bathroom and while half asleep, I took a pregnancy test. I turned my head to eye the shower and when I turned back, I saw the best word I've ever seen. "Pregnant." My hand flew over my mouth in stunned surprise. Do I wake my husband? Do I wait until he sees it for himself?

He ended up seeing the test when he woke up and didn't want to believe it to be true until the blood test confirmed it the following Tuesday. Not only did the blood test confirm it, but I reconfirmed it in the bathroom of Wal-mart the same morning of my results.

We lived on cloud 9 for the next few weeks. Though we were hesitant to get ahead of ourselves, it was difficult because this is a step we had never reached before.

When you get pregnant naturally, you go to the doctor after you miss your period and get checked for HCG levels every few weeks or months. When you are using a fertility doctor, the level of monitoring is microscopic. I was in the doctor's office as often as twice a week. Typically, HCG levels (called beta levels) are expected to not only increase each time, but doctor's like to see them double every 2 to 3 days. That doesn't necessarily mean they have to but that's what is typical. My first beta was "perfect" at 306.  6 days later, It was only 692. The nurse told me that wasn't good news. 3 days later, it "jumped" to 1852. Sigh of relief! Soon, they stopped telling me my betas and simply showing me the ultrasounds. About the 3rd week of getting checked, we were supposed to hear the heartbeat for the first time. Husband came with me and the ultrasound tech said she saw the gestational sac and not an embryo. We met the doctor braced for bad news, but hoping for good. He said "this is 100% not going to be a viable pregnancy."  It turned out to be something called a blighted ovum. Basically, everything grew normally except the baby. No baby developed. From my (online) research, it seems as though most of the 1st trimester miscarriages are blighted ovums, so it's pretty common.

I was devastated. Heart broken. I doctor gave me medication that I needed to take to force a miscarriage. I was shocked. I couldn't believe I had not only been pregnant just 24 hours ago, but I was about to NOT be pregnant anymore. I was about to have an expensive miscarriage.

I was 7 weeks 3 days pregnant when I miscarried.

I still haven't fully wrapped my head around it. We don't know where we go from here. It feels like we've exhausted all our options and should pack it in. Though I know we weren't guaranteed it working the first time and still COULD do it again. We don't know how to reconcile how we feel and what God wants us to do. We don't have some sort of letter from God telling us whether or not to keep going. We only know that our desire is for kids. It always has been. And at this point in time, we aren't in a place to pursue adoption.

It's difficult to know what to do. It takes an immense amount of faith that I often don't feel as though I have. It brings new meaning to the bible verse "lean not on your own understanding."

Typically, I quote a Christian song, but these particular lyrics have been stuck in my head for a few days.

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach itEvery step I'm takin'
Every move I makeFeels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'But I, 
I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high