We finally moved forward with IVF in April. Things went well, though we didn't get as many eggs as I heard women normally get. We scheduled a pregnancy test with the doctor's office exactly two weeks from the transfer. On a Saturday morning, 3 days before the pregnancy test, at 5 am I went to the bathroom and while half asleep, I took a pregnancy test. I turned my head to eye the shower and when I turned back, I saw the best word I've ever seen. "Pregnant." My hand flew over my mouth in stunned surprise. Do I wake my husband? Do I wait until he sees it for himself?
He ended up seeing the test when he woke up and didn't want to believe it to be true until the blood test confirmed it the following Tuesday. Not only did the blood test confirm it, but I reconfirmed it in the bathroom of Wal-mart the same morning of my results.
We lived on cloud 9 for the next few weeks. Though we were hesitant to get ahead of ourselves, it was difficult because this is a step we had never reached before.
When you get pregnant naturally, you go to the doctor after you miss your period and get checked for HCG levels every few weeks or months. When you are using a fertility doctor, the level of monitoring is microscopic. I was in the doctor's office as often as twice a week. Typically, HCG levels (called beta levels) are expected to not only increase each time, but doctor's like to see them double every 2 to 3 days. That doesn't necessarily mean they have to but that's what is typical. My first beta was "perfect" at 306. 6 days later, It was only 692. The nurse told me that wasn't good news. 3 days later, it "jumped" to 1852. Sigh of relief! Soon, they stopped telling me my betas and simply showing me the ultrasounds. About the 3rd week of getting checked, we were supposed to hear the heartbeat for the first time. Husband came with me and the ultrasound tech said she saw the gestational sac and not an embryo. We met the doctor braced for bad news, but hoping for good. He said "this is 100% not going to be a viable pregnancy." It turned out to be something called a blighted ovum. Basically, everything grew normally except the baby. No baby developed. From my (online) research, it seems as though most of the 1st trimester miscarriages are blighted ovums, so it's pretty common.
I was devastated. Heart broken. I doctor gave me medication that I needed to take to force a miscarriage. I was shocked. I couldn't believe I had not only been pregnant just 24 hours ago, but I was about to NOT be pregnant anymore. I was about to have an expensive miscarriage.
I was 7 weeks 3 days pregnant when I miscarried.
I still haven't fully wrapped my head around it. We don't know where we go from here. It feels like we've exhausted all our options and should pack it in. Though I know we weren't guaranteed it working the first time and still COULD do it again. We don't know how to reconcile how we feel and what God wants us to do. We don't have some sort of letter from God telling us whether or not to keep going. We only know that our desire is for kids. It always has been. And at this point in time, we aren't in a place to pursue adoption.
It's difficult to know what to do. It takes an immense amount of faith that I often don't feel as though I have. It brings new meaning to the bible verse "lean not on your own understanding."
Typically, I quote a Christian song, but these particular lyrics have been stuck in my head for a few days.
I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach itEvery step I'm takin'
Every move I makeFeels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'But I,
I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high
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