Open your eyes, Rachel: This is your life

I have an appointment on Tuesday with a fertility clinic closer to home than the one we've been going to. Since we have one more try left, we might as well give it a shot.

I drove to our fertility clinic for copies of our records. It was a pretty lengthy, hefty pile, but not overwhelming. So I did what I do best and organized it. Color coded tabs and all. Seriously. Don't judge me.

Since one of our issues is male factor, I marked all of the semen analyses my hub has had in 3 years and then organized the data in an excel spreadsheet so the consult doctor on Tuesday could see the data easier.

So I typed.

Then I printed.

Then I reread.

And it finally hit me.

This data that I've never seen put together was sitting in front of me in black and white and I couldn't deny it anymore. I couldn't pretend that maybe I misunderstood. What I've been too hardheaded to admit: we really have NO chance of conceiving naturally.

For years, I lived month after month thinking "maybe". But seeing this data, stripped away all pretense and made me face it: Rachel, this is your life.

It may not be what I thought it was going to be. The data clearly shows that it's going to stay that way. I can't change God's plan. And I shouldn't. At this point, I'm not sure I would. I just finally get it. Math and numbers don't lie.

Bloom where you're planted

You may not like the garden you were put in or even what color you were made to bloom, but you can't change them so bloom where you're planted. Bloom the best and the brightest while you're there as long as you're there.

PS
Thanks, Mom. Ly.