Open your eyes, Rachel: This is your life

I have an appointment on Tuesday with a fertility clinic closer to home than the one we've been going to. Since we have one more try left, we might as well give it a shot.

I drove to our fertility clinic for copies of our records. It was a pretty lengthy, hefty pile, but not overwhelming. So I did what I do best and organized it. Color coded tabs and all. Seriously. Don't judge me.

Since one of our issues is male factor, I marked all of the semen analyses my hub has had in 3 years and then organized the data in an excel spreadsheet so the consult doctor on Tuesday could see the data easier.

So I typed.

Then I printed.

Then I reread.

And it finally hit me.

This data that I've never seen put together was sitting in front of me in black and white and I couldn't deny it anymore. I couldn't pretend that maybe I misunderstood. What I've been too hardheaded to admit: we really have NO chance of conceiving naturally.

For years, I lived month after month thinking "maybe". But seeing this data, stripped away all pretense and made me face it: Rachel, this is your life.

It may not be what I thought it was going to be. The data clearly shows that it's going to stay that way. I can't change God's plan. And I shouldn't. At this point, I'm not sure I would. I just finally get it. Math and numbers don't lie.