No Matter What

My best friend and her husband scheduled a get together with us today.  It should have surprised me more because a) they travel so I don't see them often and b) they aren't the plan making types.  Scheduling time together is like trying to nail jell-o to a wall.  They came over to tell us they were pregnant.

When you hear those words from someone else, time kind of stops for a second.  You feel like you're suspended in mid-air, paralyzed to move or say anything.  Then in the very next second your brain kicks in and starts to think a mile a minute.  What do I say? How do I congratulate them and sound sincere? How do hide my own sadness and not ruin their joy?  Are they afraid to tell me because they think I'll fall apart? Will I fall apart?  How DO I feel about it?

It's difficult to explain to people not struggling with fertility how it feels when others have their happy news to share.  It's not jealousy.  It's not anger.  it's not bitterness.  Perhaps the best word is simply sad wonder.  You want your friend to understand how ECSTATIC you are for her. It's a BABY.  She's going to be a mom for the first time! You've been friends since before she met her husband and you have seen each other through the toughest of times.  You know how much this means to her.  On the very other side of that feeling is the feeling that you can never seem to escape: sad wonder.  Why not me too?  It's a difficult question to avoid asking internally.  Her announcement is a reminder of the one thing you try your best to fill your day NOT thinking about.

I'm sure those fertility friendly people struggle with how to tell their fertility struggling friends their news, wondering how we'll handle it.  It's a sensitive subject for sure, and while we appreciate your concern, it's not your baby we want.  It's OUR baby.  So your news, while it reminds us of something sad in OUR lives, doesn't diminish our excitement over YOUR good news in your life.

No matter what, my God is in control. NO matter what, I know my life has a plan already in place.  That means no matter what happens, I need to be trusting in the One who can see me through the tough times.

"I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You 
No matter what 
No matter what 

When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it, without Your help
I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons, for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling
God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength"