The doc put me on Clomid again, upping the dosage. Things look good on my end (2 developping follicles instead of 1) and as usual, it's up to God to do what He wants. Now onto the TWW...
Over the weekend I realized that this truly is a day to day process. Just like life. One day, I can be the one encouraging OTHERS about this situation, feel at peace, and genuinely trust that the Lord has my best interest at heart. Literally the next day can bring doubts, uncertainties, sadness, and worry. I'm talking less than 24 hours! It's easy to think you're insane. There are ways to get through it, though.
The whole reason I incorporated music into this blog is one simple fact: I love it. Music is something that has always had a way of speaking to me. Maybe it's because I identify myself as a dancer and music has a different meaning. Or maybe that's just me in general. Whatever the reason, I've been able to use music as a way to make it through each difficult (and not so difficult) moment. There's comfort in knowing that someone has felt the way I do and was able to convey those thoughts and emotions in words better than I could. And well, there's just something about a really catchy melody.
Two songs that have really spoken to me and helped ease those day to day mood swings I've included in this blog. The OCD part of my brain isn't too happy switching up the pattern of one song per entry, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want :)
The first song listed is by Phil Wickham called "Safe." Currently, it's the one song that I can't stop listening to. It's a song for any moment, but works particularly well for those moments that you are feeling sad, lost, uneasy, or like, as the song says, "everything is falling apart." It speaks about our Lord who while holding the wolrd is also holding your heart. The imagery this one particular line evokes in my head is beyond comforting. I sang it at the top of my lungs while biking down the main street at the beach. YOLO, as the say.
The other song is the song I go to when I get over my sad moments and get angry. Not angry at God. That would be a different song. No, angry at myself and more importantly, angry at Satan. Throughout the infertility process, it's SO easy to question God. Question His motives, question His timing, question and doubt EVERYTHING. Now, much of that comes from our sinful nature (thanks Adam & Eve!). However, a lot of our uncertainty comes from Satan. He takes it and runs away with it. He's such a bastard that he wants us to doubt. He wants us to feel separated from our God so that we don't trust Him. He revels in those moments when we are low and doubting the one thing we know to be real. Well that just pisses me off. So you know what? I sing this song to him. To tell him that no matter how low I feel, I WON'T be moved. I may make mistakes, like not trusting God for a few minutes or have trouble relinquishing control, but I will NOT be moved from His presence. He is my Lord and my God and He rescued me. Just because He has chosen to have my husband and I go through a struggle doesn't mean He loves me any less. So Satan, do us all a favor and drop dead.
Safe:
"You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms"
I Will Not Be Moved:
"And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...
I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved"
One last thing: after reading the lyrics I chose to put here as a tease, I realize they both speak of holding God's hand. It's such a powerful image and statement, I may want to get into that more. I think I have something new to research and a topic for an upcoming post. The hand of God..... what a beautiful picutre.
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