I Lift My Hands

I like organizing my life. I like lists. I like instructions.  I like predictability. I like structure. I like planning. I like knowing (re: hate surprises).  When starting this fertility journey, I had NO idea how much I'd learn that this would have to go out the window if I really wanted a child.


In the infertility community, there's a term people use. TWW.  It stands for "two week wait," referring to the two weeks between ovulation and when you can expect a period (or hope NOT to get one).

For a type A, control freak like myself, the two week wait is excruciating.  Not in an emotional way, but frustrating in a humbling way.  It's a period of time when there is literally NOTHING we can do to help things along.  You can eat things, drink things, time intercourse, lift your hips afterwards, use the right positions, take vitamins, etc.  But once the "deed" is done, you're done.  There is nothing a woman (or man) can do to make conception more likely to take place.  And that fact is extremely humbling.

This two week wait window is an opportunity to trust.  To lay myself bare and show God that I trust His goodness.  That He will take care of me during the two weeks and beyond.  It must be a constant walk though.  Not a talk, but a walk. A belief in my heart.  That's extremely difficult, since sin has created a selfishness inside me, wanting things my way in my time.  But deep down, the Holy Spirit speaks and calmly prods, "But truly, isn't His idea of what's best what you really want? Not your idea of what's best?"  He's proven that He's a far better type-A planner than I could ever imagine.  You are faithful, God. Forever.

"Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever"