More to do?

It's been 9 months since our last IVF and the end of a dream. 42 weeks actually. My due date would have been two weeks ago (no I didn't know that until I had google calculate it just now for this blog :)

So 9 months later, how am I doing? In all honesty, I'm much better than I ever thought I would be. There's a part of me that will always hurt but for right now, it's merely a dull ache. I can live with it.

I'm at a point now where I wonder how to use what I've been through to somehow help others. Sometimes I think of getting back on Facebook and posting something informative regarding infertility on a regular basis. I'm not ashamed of our situation and I want to raise awareness of what is a very silent tragedy that couples face.

But that only tells everyone who knows me that I can't have kids. Does that raise awareness or just isolate me?

I struggle with where to go from here. How can I be of use to God? How can I turn this experience into something positive? I've changed my perspective on a lot in my own life because of it so if that's the positive, then I accept it.

But if I can do more to further God's message with my journey, then I want to help. I just don't know how.

Closure

"The Lord Almighty has sworn this oath: It will all happen as I have planned. It will come about according to my purposes. 

I have a plan for the whole earth, for my mighty power reaches throughout the world.  

The Lord Almighty has spoken - who can change his plans? When his hand moves, who can stop him?"
-Isaiah 14:24, 26-27

After nearly 4 years of shots, copays, vaginal ultrasounds, blood draws, negative pregnancy tests, and monthly periods, my husband and I are officially done with our fertility journey. It was long by some standards and short by others, but for us, it was time. God took us on a journey that was unsuccessful in our eyes, but not in His. He had a purpose to fulfill by our journey and even if we don't ever know why, we have a peace knowing He planned it, ordained it, and purposed it.

We had one last IVF for our final two frozen embryos. My intention was to do it as early in the summer as possible because just in the off, off, OFF chance it was positive, I didn't want to have to deal with other teachers seeing me leave for appointments and what not.

As it turned out, God had other plans (how shocking!). The timing was such that I had to wait until my period came in July, which brought the 6 week IVF process right up to my inservice week of school. I found out that I was pregnant my first day back at school for inservice. How ironic, right? Nothing is coincidence with God.

I told very few people at school who needed to know (like the nurse and the secretary who would have to get me coverage) and continued to go to the fertility doctor to be monitored. By the 3rd visit in my 5th week, I knew in my heart things weren't right. The doctors and nurses were vague, or course, but after going through this enough, you begin to grow a sense about things.

It turned out to be similar to the last pregnancy - there was no baby and the sac was growing irregularly. The doctor sent me home from that visit with the same pills as last time, to force a miscarriage. I checked the calendar when I got home: 7 weeks, 3 days. The EXACT time in the last pregnancy I had to force a miscarriage. Nothing is a coincidence with God.

I had to have a more invasive procedure called a D&C (short for Dilation and Curettage), which basically gets rid of all the remaining pregnancy tissue in your uterus. It's painful and excruciating emotionally to endure. It was on the table during that procedure that I knew we were done with our journey. Since then, I've grieved, mourned, and found peace with everything we have gone through. I'm realistic enough to know that it will always be a part of me and I will most likely always feel a "sting", shall we say, when someone announces their pregnancy or birth or posts pictures, etc.

In the near 4 year journey He took us on, I not only know myself better, I know my Lord and Savior better than ever before. I have a better sense of His majesty. His Grace. His Love. His purposes. I would never have known any of what I know if we hadn't struggled with fertility.

I feel as though I should end with advice, but what advice do I give? The best that I can say is this: your fertility journey, whether you get pregnant the first time you try, you use fertility doctors or you never conceive, is just that: YOUR fertility journey. No one can take away from you the experiences and emotions that you went through during that journey. Comparing it to someone else is fruitless and will only leave you heartbroken. Plus, it is unfair to you and the person you are comparing to. You are on this journey for a reason and that reason is unique to you. Get the most you can from this because you can't control the outcome- the only part you can play is that of faithful servant and continual learner.

God bless.

Loud and clear

I'm a tangible person. I learn by seeing things right in front of me. I'm not auditory at all. I've known for awhile that I was going to struggle with the acceptance piece of our fertility journey coming to an end. The endless "what ifs" and "maybes" creep in and out of my consciousness.

But God knows what I need as much as I do, but He knows it better. He delivered me from my uncertainty and placed me on the solid ground of finality. It wasn't graceful or even that pretty, but He did it.

I had an appointment today for another hysteroscopy. It's a procedure where the doctor inserts a long scoped camera into your uterine cavity and makes sure there is no damage, scarring, etc. I've had one before, back in January 2013 so I was familiar with the process. I had to call ahead, though, because having had the procedure before I knew I was supposed to take pain medication an hour before hand but when scheudling it, the woman didn't tell me what to take or how much. The nurse said "one extra strength Tylenol or two ibuprofen." I chose 2 ibuprofen (400 mg total).

I was introduced to the doctor's assistant who would be performing the procedure by her saying to me "So you've given birth at least once, right? I'm just trying to figure out what I'm going to find when I get in there."

Strike #1: insensitivity. Nothing I haven't run into before, but still stings, nonetheless.

Once I'm stripped from the waist down, and maneuvered into the best place for the assistant to see the goods, she inserted the speculum and then the camera where I would feel "a little cramping." Since having the procedure before, I knew what level of cramps to expect. This was not it. The doctor was summoned because I was apparently hyperventilating over the level of pain I was experiencing.

The doctor rushed in, told me to calm down, breathe, and explain how I was feeling. I told him that I was feeling extreme cramping. (Duh). He said, "don't you get cramps during your period?" and I responded by saying they were nothing like these.

Strike #2: rudeness. Assuming I get period cramps and assuming they would be this bad so I should know what to expect is just horrible, but I'm in pain here so I overlook it.

The next thing the doctor makes sure I need to keep in mind is that this procedure is "elective." If I can't handle it, they don't have to continue.

Strike #3: lying.  The procedure was not my idea. The procedure was ordered by the doctor. Had I known I had a choice, BELIEVE me I would have said NO THANKS. 

The doctor says he needs 20 seconds, that I need to lie still, and can I do that?

Strike #4: judgement. I'm lying on a table naked from the waste down in excruciating pain and being judged by 3 people. All of whom are staring at my lady bits. 

He finishes the procedure and hauls it out of there barely saying a word.

Strike #5: demoralization. His attitude throughout indicated exactly how he felt about me. He was irritated because he felt I was a waste of his time.

As the nurse helps me get comfortable while my body tries to calm down from being invaded, I mention that I wonder if it's because of the pain medication. I told the nurse what I was told to take and she said they normally tell people to take 800 mg of ibuprofen, not 400mg.

Strike #6: misinformation. Not only was I told incorrect information, because of this, I was made to look like a child who couldn't tolerate pain. 

It was like God was clobbering me with reality. As I drove home in tears, I reflected on what had just happened in the last 40 minutes. I was demoralized, chastised, lied to, and made to feel like a worthless, waste of time and space. Was this really how I wanted to spend my free time? Is having a biological child THAT important to me that I'm willing to put myself through all of this and lose part of my dignity and integrity?

The simple answer to those questions is no. At this point, it's like I'm trying to prove God wrong. Or trying to force something to happen that is clearly and obviously not going to. At least this way. God wants me to be done with the fertility doctors and treatments. We have to do one more because of moral reasons, but after that, I'm done.

I hear you God. Loud and clear.

God's Positioning Service

A story:

You plan a trip. You get all the basics you need: gas for the car, snacks for while you drive, and a new map. You know where you want to end up so what makes the most sense? Finding the easiest way to get there. You may look to avoid tolls (who wants to pay those?) You may know of construction that you want to avoid. Or maybe there are roads commonly flooded with cars that you know ways around.

Finally the day has arrived for you to start on your journey.  Highlighted map in hand, you get into the car. You adjust the thermostat and turn on your favorite radio station. Your eyes see something you forgot you were given for Christmas: a GPS. You reconsider your trip: you just spent weeks or months meticulously planning a trip to avoid certain places, see other ones, and get to your destination as fast as possible. You have the perfect journey planned...on a map. A GPS is more "all-knowing." It's hooked into satellites and has information that I don't. But here's the trick: it might take me down roads I wanted to avoid. I could try to override it as I go, but that's a hassle because let's be honest: once a GPS has it's 'mind' set on a set of roads, it's tough to change its mind.

You decide to ignore the GPS. You researched this trip thoroughly. There can't be anything you missed, because you are smart and on top of things. Besides, the GPS is just going to take you on roads you specifically wanted to avoid. You turn on the car and you are on your way.

The first part of your trip is exactly how you planned. There's hardly any traffic and you see the construction on a nearby road that you were able to get around. The trip so far is perfect.

But suddenly, there's an accident and traffic is at a stand still. Well shoot. You didn't account for this. You have to wait until the police come and traffic is funneled into one lane. You are set back about 30 minutes, but you tell yourself that it's not the end of the world. You can make up that time somewhere.

About an hour later, there's a new traffic pattern being created because of the shopping center being built. Shoot, you forgot about that. You can't keep going the way you originally planned. Luckily you know how to get back onto this road, but you'll just have to take several back roads and it will set you back about another 30 minutes.

You are about three-quarters of the way through your trip, which is now at least an hour behind schedule and the sky opens up. Rain comes down so hard you have to slow your speed by 50% and you can hardly see. You try to continue for about another 20 minutes but you don't get very far. You realize that since the entire sky is black and it's getting late, you probably need to stop for the night to be safe. You didn't plan for this. You didn't think you were going to have to stop somewhere, especially overnight. You aren't near anything and aren't familiar with the area. You are left with no choice: you have to turn on the GPS. The GPS boots up and you search for nearby hotels. Luckily, there is one not far and you make your way to the establishment.

You walk up to the front desk to check in and ask for a room. The clerk smiles and asks for all the necessary information. Trying to make small talk while getting everything ready the clerk asks where you were headed before the storm derailed your plans. You tell the clerk and the response is not what you expect.

"That place has been shut down for awhile. You can't go there anymore."

What? You planned your trip! You were thorough! You knew the best and fastest way to get there. You made the best decisions in the face of crisis along the way. You didn't flip anyone off on the road or curse or scream. Why didn't someone tell you this ahead of time?

You thank the clerk and go to your car to grab your belongings and head to your room. The card slides in and out of the lock, turning green to allow you entrance. You dump everything from the car on the bed and you see the GPS lying there. You're glad you didn't turn on the GPS because it would never have told you the place was shut down. There's no way the GPS could know that.

For fun, you give it a try. You type in the address and click go. It takes a few seconds but the GPS gives you directions to the address. Smugly, you smile thinking at least you were smarter than the GPS. Then you see a button on the GPS you never noticed. You can find a location by its name instead of the address. Your smile falters as you decide to try this option. You find the category of your destination and type in the name and click search. Several minutes pass as the hourglass sifts and spins. Eventually a message pops up:

"Location not found."

--------------------------------------------

So a storyteller and writer I am not, but there's a purpose to this story. It's my story. It's your story. It's everyone's story.

How often have we planned our lives, every detail, only to have nothing seem to work out. We get stopped and derailed but we press on. Until we are eventually told, sorry. It's not going to happen.

I often wonder were the first bumps in the road sings? Did I ignore things God was trying to tell me, trying to prevent me from arriving at my destination?

Possibly.

But here's what I've come to realize:

It. Doesn't. Matter.

If I ignored the signs God sent and he never meant for me to reach the destination, guess what? I'll never reach the destination! In that story, even if I had continued on that journey, never mentioning anything to the clerk about where I was going, I would have stayed the night, left and continued the journey. Eventually, I would have arrived at the address and found out for myself that I could not go in.

Now, I'm not trying to insinuate that GPS' are infallible, but hopefully you get my point. God knows better than we do because He has access to all kinds of information. Past, present AND future. Ignoring Him gets us nowhere and only wastes our time. If in my story, I had decided to consult the GPS the right way, I would have never started on the journey because I would have known not to waste my time. I realize that's not how it always go, but we can save ourselves a lot of heartache if we lean on God instead of trying to do it all by ourselves.

It's not me, it's Him

Friday was a horrible day. One of my students stole my cell phone. It wasn't confirmed until an app allowed me to watch it travel north on a major highway that night.

For those of you who haven't had this happen, I hope you never do. I felt violated. You don't realize how much a part of you this stupid little mini computer is until it's been taken from you. It has messages from my husband and friends that I treasure and can never replace. It has pictures of my dying dog that I had not saved and can never recover. It's an intimate glimpse into my life and someone else has it in their hands. I've never felt more violated and betrayed. Not by a stranger, but by someone who knows me.

I've run the gamut of emotions in the past 36 - 48 hours. Anger, sadness, despair, hopelessness. I've felt it all.

But woven in between the array of emotions, a quiet voice in my head whispers, "What will you say if you DO get it back and find out who took it? How will you respond?"

It's not a mocking voice; it's not an angry voice.

It's a voice that poses a calm, but bold challenge.

How will I respond?

I'll tell you my initial pictured response was one that most people would probably have had. I won't even describe it because it was from a place of desperation and anguish. But I've had nothing but time to reflect (since my time is not otherwise occupied with a distracting phone). And I quietly made a decision that didn't really feel like a decision, but a forgone conclusion.

If I'm given the opportunity to confront the student, I will not waste the opportunity with revenge, retaliation, or anger. I will not waste a second of the chance to share Christ with him/her.

I'm a sinner and have been forgiven by someone who gave His life to do it. My life is much more abundant because I know Him and have been forgiven by Him. If I am afforded the opportunity to talk with this student, I won't hesitate to show him/her Christ. What a waste of a rare, but special opportunity if I don't.

KNOW

What types of things do you know? Not think or assume or believe but know?

You know your name.

You know your address.

You know your birthday.

You know your social security number.

I could go on. There's a finite list of things that we know. And the things we know are facts. They are unchangeable. There is no arguing with it because it just....is.

I was singing to myself on the way home from work and a song I used to sing as a kid took on a whole new meaning. I used to listen to tapes growing up that put bible verses to song called GT and the Halo Express. These songs still live in my heart and I love that at any moment 20-25 years after hearing them, I STILL remember the songs.

Today, the verse I sang was Deuteronomy 7:9. It reads:

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; he is a faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commandments.

Something struck me as I sang (probably out of tune): We are called to "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God." Know. Know he is God. What does that mean? It doesn't say believe. It doesn't say trust. It says KNOW. Remember, our list from before? We know facts. Things that are unchangeable.

So what does it mean? 

This verse has been my favorite of all the GT verses since I was little. It's one of the first verses that pops into my head, probably a couple times a week. Sadly, it took me until now to really dissect its meaning. 

This isn't the only time "knowing" God is mentioned in the bible. Here are a few more:

• Jeremiah 9:23-34:  Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”
• Phillippians 3:10: I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death
• Exodus 29:46: They will know that I am the Lord their God, who brought them out of Egypt so that I might dwell among them. I am the Lord their God
• Psalm 46:10: Be still, and know that I am God.

Knowing God seems to be something that is important to him and our relationship with him. But do I? Do I really know God? I believe in him certainly. I trust him, most of the time. But know him? Sadly, I'm not sure. 

Google the phrase "God is" and you get 3,100,000,000 results. But, ironically, I'm not interested in an excel spreadsheet list of attributes. It's meaningless. They're just words. My question is do I KNOW him? Not can I list adjectives found in the bible.

Here are things I KNOW:

• Someone bigger than me is in control. I've seen and experienced too many "coincidences" in my 30 years to have them be just that.
• The world and all creation, including the human body, is amazing. Intricate, perfectly orchestrated to work together, and awe-inspiring. There is NO way things could have happened by accident and not on purpose by grand design.
• I'm a sinner living in a sinful, self-destructive world. 
• Forgiveness and love exist. I've experienced both.

I'm sure I could go on, but to be honest, does anything else matter? I can draw conclusions from those statements that lead me to a God who loves me so much he would give up the only child he has just to forgive me and keep me as his own. Somehow, that's something I can understand given my own circumstances.

"Now my heart's desire is to know you more  

To be found in you and known as yours 

To possess by faith what I could not earn 

All-surpassing gift of righteousness" 

- "Knowing You" by Passion

Open your eyes, Rachel: This is your life

I have an appointment on Tuesday with a fertility clinic closer to home than the one we've been going to. Since we have one more try left, we might as well give it a shot.

I drove to our fertility clinic for copies of our records. It was a pretty lengthy, hefty pile, but not overwhelming. So I did what I do best and organized it. Color coded tabs and all. Seriously. Don't judge me.

Since one of our issues is male factor, I marked all of the semen analyses my hub has had in 3 years and then organized the data in an excel spreadsheet so the consult doctor on Tuesday could see the data easier.

So I typed.

Then I printed.

Then I reread.

And it finally hit me.

This data that I've never seen put together was sitting in front of me in black and white and I couldn't deny it anymore. I couldn't pretend that maybe I misunderstood. What I've been too hardheaded to admit: we really have NO chance of conceiving naturally.

For years, I lived month after month thinking "maybe". But seeing this data, stripped away all pretense and made me face it: Rachel, this is your life.

It may not be what I thought it was going to be. The data clearly shows that it's going to stay that way. I can't change God's plan. And I shouldn't. At this point, I'm not sure I would. I just finally get it. Math and numbers don't lie.