We had a major blow today - we found out our precious miniature dachshund has cancer. It hurts my heart to type it, but there it is. A lot of thoughts run through your mind when you get the diagnosis, but the one that keeps coming to the forefront is this:
With everything we've been through in the past 3 years, why this? And why now? Haven't we been through enough?
Phoebe has been with us since 2011, just 3 months before we started trying to have kids. The timing was odd - we didn't want a dog until after we had kids and a house with a yard. God had a different plan as we are still child-less and yard-less.
I cannot tell you what this dog has meant to us. She came to us at a time when we were at our most vulnerable. When we needed love and compassion. When we wanted to love something, but our arms were empty. She filled our lives and our hearts with love and excitement. We love her more and more each day.
Yes, I'm talking about a dog.
A dog who doesn't judge me when I'm having a bad day and just feel like crying. A dog who follows me and squishes herself next to me because she just wants to be near. A dog who turns on her back to expose her belly, trusting that my husband won't hurt her and will play with her until she's had enough. She gives me love with no reservation. She gives me joy without even trying.
Losing her will be the most difficult thing we have to do.
So this begs the question: why?
Why now and not in a few more years?
Why didn't God save us the heartache and give her to us at all?
Why can't we just have her since He won't give us children?
There's not an answer to any of these questions. The standard answer is: "Because God said so."
But still, why put us through double the heartache if He knew we wouldn't have kids AT THE SAME TIME we have to watch our beloved pet decline in front of us?
The real question then becomes: would I have wanted Him to do that? Would I trade these 2.5 years with her because I knew how it was going to end?
The answer is a resounding NO. I would never trade a SECOND of this time with her.
Then shouldn't I say the same for the fertility?
God knew what He was doing when He gave us Phoebe at a time we didn't want a dog. He knew more than us, clearly, since we didn't want a dog, let along a small dog and an older dog.
So even though I don't get it and the timing sucks and it's just more heartache....shouldn't I trust that He knows more than us about the fertility? And layering heartache upon heartache?
The question from non-Christians is often about God not being a fair God. Is it fair that we are now dealing with an ailing dog upon our infertility? In a word?
YES.
Because this is not my world. This is not my place. Of course I wish things were different, but they aren't. I have no master plan sitting in front of me telling me what's going to happen.
But I have the Master in front of me.
And I'm required to trust Him.
And it's not easy.
The bridge of one of my favorite songs from college goes like this:
"And even though I've been so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm."
I pray He sees me through this storm and the next.
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