The 5 Stages of Grief

Grief. It's what most infertile couples struggle with. They grieve the child they conceived and lost. They grieve the children they don't conceive each month. It's a very sad process for couples to go through.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about my feelings changing and finding peace. That hasn't changed. In fact, it hit me that the process I've gone through is quite normal. And has a name. The five stages of grief.

Stage 1: Denial. For about the two years, I was convinced it would happen for us. Even though time and statistics were against us, I had optimism coming out my eyeballs. Or rather, denial. I refused to believe we would be one of those couples who never had kids. We always wanted them! Why would God allow us to want something to special and precious only to never give us that joy? Ridiculous.  The Truth: God doesn't work like this. He does what is best for his flock and bringing glory to HIS name.

Stage 2: Anger. Throughout the process, anger is a normal emotion. Why us? Why of all the couples in the whole wide world, were we picked to endure countless ultrasounds, bloodwork, and thousands of dollars worth of bills? We tried to be good Christians. We didn't hurt anyone. We go to church. We think we'd make good parents. Why would God do this to us?! This stage I think is ongoing and cyclical. It's difficult to not let the anger take over because it is so self-centered. The Truth: Anger is ok as long as it subsides and you bring it before the Lord. Holding this in and allowing it to take root is toxic. God isn't doing this to us. He's doing it for us.

Stage 3: Bargaining. Infertile couples are often so hopeless that they feel like they will do anything to get children. Even if it means bargaining with God. I can recall many tearful prayers that involved words similar to "God, what do you want me to do?? Whatever it is, just show me and I'll do it!"  The Truth: This is dangerously close to testing God and that's just wrong. God wants us to be willing to do anything for him, but not just because we want something from him.

Stage 4: Depression. This is almost a state of being for infertile couples. For a long stretch of time, I was more often than not depressed. It might not have been overt or even clinical, but it was always there lurking beneath the surface. "What's the point in going on with these treatments?? We'll never have kids. Obviously, we aren't meant to be parents so just forget it."  The Truth: I know depression is tough and it is imperative we rest upon the arms of Jesus. It's so easy to drown in the hopeless thoughts, but even finding 5 minutes of joy in your Savior can save you days of self-inflicted torture in depression.

Stage 5: Acceptance. This is the stage I reached about a month ago. I'm not sad, mad, or anything really. The best word for it is resigned. I know that my fate is in my Lord's hands and I've seen that life continues with or without the things we ask for. We are here on this Earth temporarily and they will eventually fall away. It's time to start living the life I've been given instead mourning the one I may never get. The Truth: It's much easier to let the sadness and anger take over. It's self-centered and what sin created us to be when we're born. The Holy Spirit grants us peace. We need only to ask for it and be brave enough to grab it.