Closure

"The Lord Almighty has sworn this oath: It will all happen as I have planned. It will come about according to my purposes. 

I have a plan for the whole earth, for my mighty power reaches throughout the world.  

The Lord Almighty has spoken - who can change his plans? When his hand moves, who can stop him?"
-Isaiah 14:24, 26-27

After nearly 4 years of shots, copays, vaginal ultrasounds, blood draws, negative pregnancy tests, and monthly periods, my husband and I are officially done with our fertility journey. It was long by some standards and short by others, but for us, it was time. God took us on a journey that was unsuccessful in our eyes, but not in His. He had a purpose to fulfill by our journey and even if we don't ever know why, we have a peace knowing He planned it, ordained it, and purposed it.

We had one last IVF for our final two frozen embryos. My intention was to do it as early in the summer as possible because just in the off, off, OFF chance it was positive, I didn't want to have to deal with other teachers seeing me leave for appointments and what not.

As it turned out, God had other plans (how shocking!). The timing was such that I had to wait until my period came in July, which brought the 6 week IVF process right up to my inservice week of school. I found out that I was pregnant my first day back at school for inservice. How ironic, right? Nothing is coincidence with God.

I told very few people at school who needed to know (like the nurse and the secretary who would have to get me coverage) and continued to go to the fertility doctor to be monitored. By the 3rd visit in my 5th week, I knew in my heart things weren't right. The doctors and nurses were vague, or course, but after going through this enough, you begin to grow a sense about things.

It turned out to be similar to the last pregnancy - there was no baby and the sac was growing irregularly. The doctor sent me home from that visit with the same pills as last time, to force a miscarriage. I checked the calendar when I got home: 7 weeks, 3 days. The EXACT time in the last pregnancy I had to force a miscarriage. Nothing is a coincidence with God.

I had to have a more invasive procedure called a D&C (short for Dilation and Curettage), which basically gets rid of all the remaining pregnancy tissue in your uterus. It's painful and excruciating emotionally to endure. It was on the table during that procedure that I knew we were done with our journey. Since then, I've grieved, mourned, and found peace with everything we have gone through. I'm realistic enough to know that it will always be a part of me and I will most likely always feel a "sting", shall we say, when someone announces their pregnancy or birth or posts pictures, etc.

In the near 4 year journey He took us on, I not only know myself better, I know my Lord and Savior better than ever before. I have a better sense of His majesty. His Grace. His Love. His purposes. I would never have known any of what I know if we hadn't struggled with fertility.

I feel as though I should end with advice, but what advice do I give? The best that I can say is this: your fertility journey, whether you get pregnant the first time you try, you use fertility doctors or you never conceive, is just that: YOUR fertility journey. No one can take away from you the experiences and emotions that you went through during that journey. Comparing it to someone else is fruitless and will only leave you heartbroken. Plus, it is unfair to you and the person you are comparing to. You are on this journey for a reason and that reason is unique to you. Get the most you can from this because you can't control the outcome- the only part you can play is that of faithful servant and continual learner.

God bless.