I Lift My Hands

I like organizing my life. I like lists. I like instructions.  I like predictability. I like structure. I like planning. I like knowing (re: hate surprises).  When starting this fertility journey, I had NO idea how much I'd learn that this would have to go out the window if I really wanted a child.


In the infertility community, there's a term people use. TWW.  It stands for "two week wait," referring to the two weeks between ovulation and when you can expect a period (or hope NOT to get one).

For a type A, control freak like myself, the two week wait is excruciating.  Not in an emotional way, but frustrating in a humbling way.  It's a period of time when there is literally NOTHING we can do to help things along.  You can eat things, drink things, time intercourse, lift your hips afterwards, use the right positions, take vitamins, etc.  But once the "deed" is done, you're done.  There is nothing a woman (or man) can do to make conception more likely to take place.  And that fact is extremely humbling.

This two week wait window is an opportunity to trust.  To lay myself bare and show God that I trust His goodness.  That He will take care of me during the two weeks and beyond.  It must be a constant walk though.  Not a talk, but a walk. A belief in my heart.  That's extremely difficult, since sin has created a selfishness inside me, wanting things my way in my time.  But deep down, the Holy Spirit speaks and calmly prods, "But truly, isn't His idea of what's best what you really want? Not your idea of what's best?"  He's proven that He's a far better type-A planner than I could ever imagine.  You are faithful, God. Forever.

"Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever"

All This Time

I've been saying for awhile that this particular month felt like a turning point in our fertility journey.  I wasn't sure what would happen, but God made it CRYSTAL clear that we were to WAIT and trust.  And this month the wait was over.

We had to go to the urologist to get the results of the Hubby's varicocelectomy.  I'm the type of person to get my hopes up.  For this though, I had the opposite mentality.  I wasn't expecting wonderful news or terrible news. I was expecting how-hum-nothing's-really-changed-grey-area-now-what-do-we-do news.

We sat down with the urologist and at the end of his introductory sentence telling us about the results he said the phrase "much better."  I was floored by the dramatic increase in certain test results.  I mean amazed.  Of course, there will be yet another follow up in a few months, but sitting there in his office, I could hardly feel my toes.  God had come through.  Like He promised.

Remember the necklace He gave me, showing me He's got it and I need to hang on a little longer?
Remember those FIVE people we reconciled with where God showed us that we need to trust Him because He's been taking care of us for a LONG time?

All those trials and tests and situations were steps to get us exactly where we are today.

I'm not picking out baby names or doing a registry, but yet another step gave us another glimmer of hope.  He keeps reminding us that He's been with us in this process all this time.  He's still in charge, clearly. I'm merely along for the ride.  And in awe while He does what He does best.

"Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're a story

Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me
This is my story

All this time, from the first tear cried

'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I

You've been walking with me all this time"

Gratitude

I wrote this post a little while BEFORE my last post but saved it instead of publishing it since it seemed a little personal.  However, after rereading it and my last post (see: "Everywhere"), this post now makes so much more sense in hindsight.  I think it's important to be transparent and share honestly for the sake of growth, both for me and others, so here it is.  If you haven't already, I encourage you to read the other post first.

16......
Some of the hardest days are the days when you know your period is coming.  You begin to get the symptoms that you always get. For each woman it's different.  Mood swings, bloating, cramps, tender breasts, crying.  The signs come in many forms.  But what it does to a woman struggling with fertility is the same.

It's crushing. There's really no other word for it.  You desperately want to cling to the hope that you may still be pregnant. But deep down you know.  You know your body best and can read the writing on the wall.  I often find that in this time I struggle with guilt.  Am I not trusting that God still COULD make me pregnant? Or am I being realistic?  This is truly a emotionally draining fews days, for me at least.

16....
We have been trying to conceive for 16 cycles.   That number shocks even me as I type it.  That means I've gone through this process 15 times. The waiting. The deep-down knowing of the yet unconfirmed.  While I've done it 15 times, and it's tremendously difficult, those days don't last forever.  There's always a new day.  A new chance.  A new lesson.  A new hope.

I recently reconnected with a friend, who suggested a song to me that she felt encouraged by.  It's a song about finding gratitude and hope even in the darkest of moments.  Even in the droughts of our hearts. Even in the sorrow.  The Lord has blessed each and every one of us.  There's a message of hope, forgiveness, rebirth, peace in every situation God has put us in.  While it's ok to feel overwhelmed and cry and not quite understand, it's important to step outside ourselves and see the whole picture He is painting, even if we can't see it right that second.  We should trust that He still has the brush.  Because He IS painting it.  And He isn't finished yet. As Mark Schultz, one of my favorite Christian artists sings, "You never said it would be easy, but You said You'd see me through the storm."
"Send some rain, would You send some rain?

'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again

And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade

Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?

Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down

Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid

But maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways

And if that's the case . . .

We'll give thanks to You

With gratitude

For lessons learned in how to thirst for You

How to bless the very sun that warms our faceIf You never send us rain"

Emotions can often cloud our perception and objectivity in situations so that we aren't ready to see what God wants us to see.  Or perhaps God uses it to prevent us from seeing a lesson until the timing is right.  Shortly after this post was written, God showed up in a very special way, that was for me and me alone.  He did exactly what I wrote about days earlier:  He showed me how He's still painting. He's still in control.  And for that, I'm eternally grateful.

Everywhere

I was on Pinterest a few weeks ago and saw a picture of a very cute necklace.  I went searching online to see if I could find one locally and it was nowhere to be found.  The only place I could find it was Etsy.com, which is a site where people make their own stuff and sell it.  The ones on there were expensive and even though I love it, I decided I would wait to get one.  See, it was 2 lovebirds on a branch and the ones on Etsy, you can get letters printed on leaves that hang from the branch.  Adorable.  So I figured I would be patient and wait until either a) I got pregnant or b) knew I would never get pregnant and could therefore afford it. I put it out of my mind since that was my decision.

I was at Target this morning and perusing the jewelry section for a completely different item when I look down and there's the necklace.  Exact. Same. Necklace.  At a price that was ridiculous, in a good way.  I was so stunned.  I picked it up, waited until I got out in the car (after paying of course) and started to cry.

Seems ridiculous, right?  But here's what it felt like: God gave me a gift.  It was a way for Him to tell me I was important or special.  But as I drove away, I realized it was even deeper than that.  He knew a deep desire of mine. Without me having to say a word.  I never told a single soul about that necklace. Why would I?  It was a desire that I kept to myself.  But He KNEW.  He knew without me asking or saying a word.  That's a tremendously overwhelming feeling.  Especially in the midst of something as huge as fertility struggles.  To have Him give me this scenario is Him gently whispering, "Trust me.  Hang in there a little longer.  I've been hearing you this whole time.  Just trust me because I love you."

It may seem foolish to get so emotional about a necklace.  And yeah it probably is.  But it's what it symbolizes to ME that makes it significant.  HE knew it would mean something for me to find that.  And He knew I needed it right then.  This week has been particularly difficult and for the first time in the process, I've felt inklings of wanting to give up.

This small gesture has encouraged me to hold on with Him until He's done, whichever way it turns out.  I'm extremely moved that my Savior loves me enough to speak to me, encourage me in ways that are unique to ME.  He's everywhere I look, as long as I keep my eyes open, looking for Him.

"You’re every time I turn around 

In every sound
You’re in the very air I breathe
You’re up above
And now I know
You’re in my soul
You’re in the very depths of me

And every step I take
I take by faith
Oh and now I see

I believe" 

I Will Follow

So this entry might not seem like a fertility entry, but it will be. I promise.

The month of July has turned into forgiveness month in our house.  I'd say it's bizarre, but God doesn't do bizarre. And as I've proven in an earlier post, He doesn't do coincidences either.  In the past 19 days, my husband and I have had reconciliations with 5 different people that we had issues with in the past 4 years. I'm not kidding.

It started off innocently enough. My husband asked if I was willing to get together with another couple that I hadn't spoken to in 3 years. (I'd been holding a grudge against the wife; our husbands have been getting together once or twice a year since we last spoke).  The Holy Spirit tugged at my heart and said "it's time."  So we scheduled it. We met this past Friday.  It brought us peace in our friendship.

That same week, I was cleaning out my Facebook messages and came across a message I had sent an old friend that caused her to effectively end our relationship.  I re-read it and realized how condescending it sounded.  So I sent her an email asking for her forgiveness.  It brought me peace in my soul.

The next week, my husband was coming home and saw a neighbor of ours that we had a major issue with back in February.  The two of them exchanged angry words and the police were even called (by us).  He said that he felt the Holy Spirit pushing him to apologize for his anger causing him to get out of hand.  It brought peace to both of us here at home.

At some point, a friend I was holding bitterness towards commented on a status of mine on facebook with a compliment of sorts.  The Holy Spirit encouraged me to answer it in the same spirit her message was sent: kindness.  It brought me peace from bitterness.

Lastly, yesterday a groomsmen from our wedding, who we haven't seen or spoken to since he walked out of our reception early showed up at my husband's baseball game.  My husband was tremendously hurt, but when he walked off the field between innings and saw him, he graciously shook his hand and asked him how things were going.  It brought my husband peace.

Like I said, God doesn't do coincidences or random.  He's methodical.  Purposeful.   Exact.  So what does all this mean and how does it relate to fertility?

Each of these situations was something unsettled in our lives.  It caused some sort of hurt on the emotions spectrum and caused our souls some level of distress.  However, in 19 days, Christ gave peace in not one, not two but FIVE situations that needed it.  He was showing us something.  Kind of symbolic, I feel.  He was saying, "look at all these situations that caused you stress.  They are all at least 6 months old, with the oldest being 4 years old.  That's a long time. However, even after all that time, I still gave you peace, didn't I?  And after all that time, I was still thinking of you.  I promised to take care of you and I did.  Now that you're facing another difficult time, are you not going to trust me?  If I didn't leave you when it came to peace with the lives of others, why would I leave you when it comes to creating another life?"

It call comes down to trust.  Do I trust Him?  Yes.  There will always be shades of doubt, of wonder, of discouragement.  That's normal.  We're sinners who lack the ability to see  as far as God can.  But it doesn't allow us to not follow Him when He asks us to.  To wait when He asks us to.  To forgive when He asks us to.  To ask for forgiveness when He asks us to.  When He asks, we need to be willing to say, I will.

"All your ways are good 
All your ways are sure 
I will trust in you alone 
Higher than my side 
High above my life 
I will trust in you alone 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/chris_tomlin/i_will_follow.html ]
Where you go, I'll go 
Where you stay, I'll stay 
When you move, I'll move 
I will follow you"

Strong Enough

The first day of a new cycle is a tough day.  There's not use in sugar coating it - the day sucks.  Most women get their period and at most are unhappy about the inconvenience or the way your body feels.  For women struggling with infertility, the first day of a new cycle is letdown day.

Each month is a roller coaster from start to finish.  You start off disappointed (we'll get back to this) due to the new cycle, then begin to get over it as the disappointment fades, you get more hopeful as another ovulation time hits, anxious as you get closer to your new cycle, and then disappointed when the new cycle hits.  No one really understands the vicious ride your emotions take when you're trying to conceive, even if you're in a period where you know the chances are low.

It really is a day to day process.  Each day I must awake, setting my sights on things above and remembering that my journey isn't over yet.  Most days are doable, but that first day of the new cycle when you realize your dreams wont be realized for yet ANOTHER month..... those days I don't feel strong enough to handle it anymore.  I don't feel like I can survive the process.  My emotions crash back to earth and I know that if I'm trying to rely on my own strength, I won't make it.  I'm constantly in need of a higher power.  A power that promises to take care of me for HIS good and HIS purpose.  I can do ALL things if He gives me strength.

"You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can doOn my own
...
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough

For the both of us"

No Matter What

My best friend and her husband scheduled a get together with us today.  It should have surprised me more because a) they travel so I don't see them often and b) they aren't the plan making types.  Scheduling time together is like trying to nail jell-o to a wall.  They came over to tell us they were pregnant.

When you hear those words from someone else, time kind of stops for a second.  You feel like you're suspended in mid-air, paralyzed to move or say anything.  Then in the very next second your brain kicks in and starts to think a mile a minute.  What do I say? How do I congratulate them and sound sincere? How do hide my own sadness and not ruin their joy?  Are they afraid to tell me because they think I'll fall apart? Will I fall apart?  How DO I feel about it?

It's difficult to explain to people not struggling with fertility how it feels when others have their happy news to share.  It's not jealousy.  It's not anger.  it's not bitterness.  Perhaps the best word is simply sad wonder.  You want your friend to understand how ECSTATIC you are for her. It's a BABY.  She's going to be a mom for the first time! You've been friends since before she met her husband and you have seen each other through the toughest of times.  You know how much this means to her.  On the very other side of that feeling is the feeling that you can never seem to escape: sad wonder.  Why not me too?  It's a difficult question to avoid asking internally.  Her announcement is a reminder of the one thing you try your best to fill your day NOT thinking about.

I'm sure those fertility friendly people struggle with how to tell their fertility struggling friends their news, wondering how we'll handle it.  It's a sensitive subject for sure, and while we appreciate your concern, it's not your baby we want.  It's OUR baby.  So your news, while it reminds us of something sad in OUR lives, doesn't diminish our excitement over YOUR good news in your life.

No matter what, my God is in control. NO matter what, I know my life has a plan already in place.  That means no matter what happens, I need to be trusting in the One who can see me through the tough times.

"I’m running back to Your promises, one more time
Lord that’s all I can hold on to
I’ve got to say this has taken me, by surprise
But nothing surprises You
Before a heartache, can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I, I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I’m gonna love You
No matter what, I’m gonna need You
I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, if not - I’ll trust You 
No matter what 
No matter what 

When I’m stuck in this nothingness, by myself
I’m just sitting in silence
There’s no way I can make it, without Your help
I won’t even try it
I know You have Your reasons, for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling
God You are my hope, and You’ll be my strength"