Always

I must apologize - it's been far too long since I've updated.  I'll get you up to speed on what's happened.

I took a break in November from everything.  It got to be too much emotionally and I needed a month to just.... breathe.  Exhale a little and regroup.  It was a crazy month at school anyway, so it worked out just fine.  But by the time December came, I was ready to start the fertility train again.  This time, we weren't going to waste anytime.  IUI, here we come.

The month of December was an interesting one, full of God's hand.  At the beginning of my cycle, I started on injection hormones.  This is another way for a woman to produce more than just one egg.  After about 5 days, I had to go back into the office to see how well I was doing and there it looked like 7 follicles were developing  (Remember:  ovaries hold follicles which grow the eggs.)  That means 7 eggs were becoming "mature" aka ready to release.  Uh, I'm sorry, 7?  I didn't order that many.  Nurses reassured me that it wouldn't really be 7.  My body would only release the number of eggs that were "maturest" (ok not the most official word) when they gave me the trigger shot to release them in a few days.  Turns out, when it came time to trigger the egg release, only 4 were mature enough to release.  Had the IUI done a few days after that and it gave me a reason to take a day off from school.  Who wouldn't jump at THAT chance.

There was more to all of this than meets the eye.  First, the doctor commented at one point that my body "really likes" the fertility drug I was using.  Meaning, it responded extremely well and didn't seem to give me any side effects whatsoever.  Second, due to a certain hormone level in my body, the doctor and nurses expected me to not respond as well as I did. They said I "defied the odds and proved them all wrong."  Third, the only fertility issue we've been diagnosed with is a low sperm count.  At the IUI? at least 10 million above what they consider average or normal.  Fourth, I was told at the IUI by the doctor to "come back in a week" for a progesterone shot.  I made the appointment and went on my way.  Later that week, I got many phone calls at my house saying I needed to call them.  Turns out, they only needed to change the location of my appointment, but after talking to the receptionist further, she realized my appointment was too late! I needed to come in a few days sooner for the progesterone shot.

After finding out the results were negative, I got to thinking.  I realized how present God was throughout the process.  He made everything perfect when it shouldn't have been.  The sperm count shouldn't have been so high.  I shouldn't have responded as well to the drugs.  I should have missed the progesterone shot.  He lined everything up.  Initially, I thought He made everything "perfect" so we would become pregnant, but it turned out to be much more important than that.  He needed us to trust Him.  To trust that He was present.  To trust that He was involved in this process and cared.  Learning that lesson was a tremendous weight off my shoulders.  I was finally able to find peace in this process and let God have the reins.  He allowed me to get a glimpse of Him working so that I could believe he has us.  He's got us.  Always.  He will come through. Always.

This song has more meaning than I've shared, but I'll share it in the future.  Something to look forward to  ;)

"Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always"

Need You Now

Paula Abdul had a song in the 90's that I used to listen to called "Opposites Attract" and it has a line  that says "I take 2 steps forward, I take 2 steps back."  I was reminded of this song when the fertility doctor called this morning.

My husband had to get a 6month semen analysis after his surgery in late April/early May.  HIs first one at 3 months, was really good.  Showed he increased to 60 million sperm, good motility, morphology, etc. Only little volume.

The doctor called this morning to tell us the results of the latest analysis 3 months later.  While volume is now up to normal, he's down to 13 million sperm, when it should be up around 20.  It seems strange to me to have these statistics go up and down.  I know, in reality, it's par for the course, but it feels like a blow.  After 2 steps forward in August, it's 2 steps back in November.  

Often a single circumstance can seem completely different depending on our perspective.  I could choose to look at this as yet another setback.  Another reason to be angry at his parents for their role in neglecting his physical state while growing up.  Another example of how much it "sucks to be us."  Or I could look at it as another way we have answers.  Another explanation to help us get to the solution.  Another way God's revealed a tiny part of His plan and what He wants us to do.

It's frustrating, no doubt.  To have these problems and see other people conceive in their first try seems unfair.  And if I chose to look at it like that, I'd be severely depressed.  But I choose to see an opportunity to deepen my faith. To trust that He has something greater.  To believe that He knows me and knows what's best for my life.  I may not like the outcome, sure. I may not get to be a parent.  But only He knows that and I just have to follow whatever path He's put me on.  God, I need You now more than ever.

"Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now."

Walk by Faith

Sorry it's been awhile.  This school year is seriously kicking my rear-end.  I am not a fan of rambling blog posts (although some of my past ones could prove the contrary).  I figure I won't post anything unless I have something to say.  I guess today I do.

I've been looking at this process differently lately.  I have felt recently like God's been saying this is not it for me.  I just keep getting this unsettled feeling wash over me.  Like this place He has me in isn't permanent.  I just keep feeling like something's missing. Like there's more.  More to do. More to accomplish. Not for me, mind you.  For Him.  I don't know what He wants.  Or what His plan is.  I may never know.  But I'm certain He has me feeling unsettled and unsure for a reason.  I haven't found my spot yet.

He just wants me to continue to walk by faith.

"Well I will walk by faith 
Even when I cannot see 
Well because this broken road 
Prepares Your will for me"

Healing Hand of God

Last time I wrote an entry I included two songs which have TREMENDOUS meaning for me  in my current situation.  Both songs have totally different purposes and meanings (to me at least), but they share a common thread.  There's a line in each that refers to God's hand.

From Safe:  "The hand the holds the world is holding your heart" and "These are the hands that built the mountains, the hands that calm the seas.  These are the arms that hold the heavens, they are holding you and me."

From I Will Not Be Moved: "Though sometimes my prayers feel like they're bouncing off the sky, 
The hand I hold won't let me go and and is the reason why I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved."

I wanted to do a little background and research on the meaning of hand in scripture. I find that it's a popular idea to allude to and thought it might deepen my understanding of God.  Boy did it.

To start, I went for the most obvious place: the Bible Dictionary.  Right? Look up the word and get a definition.  Talk about loads of information.  The entry for "hand" began like this:

"One of the most frequently used words in Scripture, occurring over sixteen hundred times."

Whoa.  Ok, so it's a pretty popular reference.  So i continued reading.

"In the [Old Testament] the hand is also the symbol of personal agency.  When the Lord stretches out his hand, it means that he is taking personal action in whatever case or situation is involved, and this usage carries over into the NT"

Stop. Right. There.   These songs have come to mean something very personal to me in my fertility quest.  Those particular lines especially.  According to this dictionary, they go even deeper. By stretching out his hands, holding us in his hands, us holding his hands, etc, he is showing us he's THERE.  He's in it.  He's "taking personal action in whatever case or situation is involved."  I don't know about you, but that's one of the most comforting thoughts I could have, in ANY situation.  

Next, I moved onto topical bible entries.  True, this is merely to tell me WHERE in the bible the word or concept can be found, but it's another resource.  I personally like biblegateway.com.  So I went to the H's and clicked on hands.  Before each bible verse where the word is found, it gives a quick blurb about the context so you know if it's what you're looking for.  Here's some of the ones that stood out:

-Criminals often
-Of the wicked
-Imposition of
-Were washed.

Instantly, my mind associated hands with needing to be cleansed, even forgiven.  But with God, he's perfect so he doesn't need forgiveness so what could that mean? It means he can be trusted.  The hands are dangerous and prone to misdeed.  Our hands can't be trusted.  Heck, one of the entries refers to criminals!  But how much peace we can find in the fact that the hands that are holding our hearts are clean. Trustworthy. Strong.  

This whole thing might seem superfluous to everyone else but me, but I dont think it matters.  I was struck by the fact that hands were in both songs that meant a lot to me.  By spending some time researching the word, it's use and meaning, I was able to understand and see God from a new angle.  Isn't that the whole purpose of being a Christian?

Forgive this odd post as it's not directly related to fertility and seems to ramble nonsensically.  But it seems to be just what I needed :)

"And I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God"

Safe, I will not be moved

Sorry- it's been awhile since I wrote anything.  It's been a crazy couple of weeks.  However, another week, another trip to the fertility doctor.

The doc put me on Clomid again, upping the dosage.  Things look good on my end (2 developping follicles instead of 1) and as usual, it's up to God to do what He wants.  Now onto the TWW...

Over the weekend I realized that this truly is a day to day process.  Just like life.  One day, I can be the one encouraging OTHERS about this situation, feel at peace, and genuinely trust that the Lord has my best interest at heart.  Literally the next day can bring doubts, uncertainties, sadness, and worry.  I'm talking less than 24 hours!  It's easy to think you're insane.  There are ways to get through it, though. 

The whole reason I incorporated music into this blog is one simple fact: I love it.  Music is something that has always had a way of speaking to me.  Maybe it's because I identify myself as a dancer and music has a different meaning. Or maybe that's just me in general.  Whatever the reason, I've been able to use music as a way to make it through each difficult (and not so difficult) moment.  There's comfort in knowing that someone has felt the way I do and was able to convey those thoughts and emotions in words better than I could.  And well, there's just something about a really catchy melody.

Two songs that have really spoken to me and helped ease those day to day mood swings I've included in this blog. The OCD part of my brain isn't too happy switching up the pattern of one song per entry, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want :)

The first song listed is by Phil Wickham called "Safe."  Currently, it's the one song that I can't stop listening to.  It's a song for any moment, but works particularly well for those moments that you are feeling sad, lost, uneasy, or like, as the song says, "everything is falling apart."  It speaks about our Lord who while holding the wolrd is also holding your heart.  The imagery this one particular line evokes in my head is beyond comforting.  I sang it at the top of my lungs while biking down the main street at the beach.  YOLO, as the say.

The other song is the song I go to when I get over my sad moments and get angry.  Not angry at God. That would be a different song.  No, angry at myself and more importantly, angry at Satan.  Throughout the infertility process, it's SO easy to question God. Question His motives, question His timing, question and doubt EVERYTHING.  Now, much of that comes from our sinful nature (thanks Adam & Eve!).  However, a lot of our uncertainty comes from Satan.  He takes it and runs away with it.  He's such a bastard that he wants us to doubt. He wants us to feel separated from our God so that we don't trust Him.  He revels in those moments when we are low and doubting the one thing we know to be real.  Well that just pisses me off.  So you know what? I sing this song to him.  To tell him that no matter how low I feel, I WON'T be moved. I may make mistakes, like not trusting God for a few minutes or have trouble relinquishing control, but I will NOT be moved from His presence. He is my Lord and my God and He rescued me.  Just because He has chosen to have my husband and I go through a struggle doesn't mean He loves me any less.  So Satan, do us all a favor and drop dead.

Safe:
"You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms"

I Will Not Be Moved:
"And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved"


One last thing:  after reading the lyrics I chose to put here as a tease, I realize they both speak of holding God's hand.  It's such a powerful image and statement, I may want to get into that more.  I think I have something new to research and a topic for an upcoming post.  The hand of God..... what a beautiful picutre. 

I Lift My Hands

I like organizing my life. I like lists. I like instructions.  I like predictability. I like structure. I like planning. I like knowing (re: hate surprises).  When starting this fertility journey, I had NO idea how much I'd learn that this would have to go out the window if I really wanted a child.


In the infertility community, there's a term people use. TWW.  It stands for "two week wait," referring to the two weeks between ovulation and when you can expect a period (or hope NOT to get one).

For a type A, control freak like myself, the two week wait is excruciating.  Not in an emotional way, but frustrating in a humbling way.  It's a period of time when there is literally NOTHING we can do to help things along.  You can eat things, drink things, time intercourse, lift your hips afterwards, use the right positions, take vitamins, etc.  But once the "deed" is done, you're done.  There is nothing a woman (or man) can do to make conception more likely to take place.  And that fact is extremely humbling.

This two week wait window is an opportunity to trust.  To lay myself bare and show God that I trust His goodness.  That He will take care of me during the two weeks and beyond.  It must be a constant walk though.  Not a talk, but a walk. A belief in my heart.  That's extremely difficult, since sin has created a selfishness inside me, wanting things my way in my time.  But deep down, the Holy Spirit speaks and calmly prods, "But truly, isn't His idea of what's best what you really want? Not your idea of what's best?"  He's proven that He's a far better type-A planner than I could ever imagine.  You are faithful, God. Forever.

"Be still, there is a healer
His love is deeper than the sea
His mercy, it is unfailing
His arms are fortress for the weak

Let faith arise
Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again
You are my refuge, You are my strength
As I pour out my heart
These things, I remember
You are faithful, God, forever"

All This Time

I've been saying for awhile that this particular month felt like a turning point in our fertility journey.  I wasn't sure what would happen, but God made it CRYSTAL clear that we were to WAIT and trust.  And this month the wait was over.

We had to go to the urologist to get the results of the Hubby's varicocelectomy.  I'm the type of person to get my hopes up.  For this though, I had the opposite mentality.  I wasn't expecting wonderful news or terrible news. I was expecting how-hum-nothing's-really-changed-grey-area-now-what-do-we-do news.

We sat down with the urologist and at the end of his introductory sentence telling us about the results he said the phrase "much better."  I was floored by the dramatic increase in certain test results.  I mean amazed.  Of course, there will be yet another follow up in a few months, but sitting there in his office, I could hardly feel my toes.  God had come through.  Like He promised.

Remember the necklace He gave me, showing me He's got it and I need to hang on a little longer?
Remember those FIVE people we reconciled with where God showed us that we need to trust Him because He's been taking care of us for a LONG time?

All those trials and tests and situations were steps to get us exactly where we are today.

I'm not picking out baby names or doing a registry, but yet another step gave us another glimmer of hope.  He keeps reminding us that He's been with us in this process all this time.  He's still in charge, clearly. I'm merely along for the ride.  And in awe while He does what He does best.

"Ever since that day, it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes, You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're a story

Every heartache and failure, every broken dream
You're the God who sees, the God who rescued me
This is my story

All this time, from the first tear cried

'Till today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there, You were always there
It was You and I

You've been walking with me all this time"