Advice for Non-Infertiles Part 1

I often come across situations where I think "if only the realized what they are saying..." when it comes to people who aren't dealing with infertility. I recognize that it's awkward for everyone involved, trying to figure out how to handle a sensitive subject.  Perhaps it would be helpful to offer a little advice for those not directly dealing with an infertility situation. I apologize if any of this sounds harsh. It's meant to help, not chastise.

Don'ts:

• Don't offer advice - Not matter how well intentioned, advice from someone who is not directly involved in our personal fertility situation is never received well. Yes, I'm sure there are times you really do mean well, but trust us: if there's something we could have done, we will have already tried it. Plus, you aren't a doctor so you really aren't qualified to offer us advice on our situation.  (Really, you come across like a know-it-all and I'm pretty sure that's not your intention!)
• Don't offer cliches - This is almost worse than advice. "At least you're having fun trying!" or "Just relax!" or "I'm jealous! I miss not having kids" are some of the least helpful statements I have ever heard in my life. Not only do they have no medical merit (which is what our situation is: MEDICAL), they are extremely condescending. You are trivializing our pain, suffering, and devastation.
• Don't assume you understand - Some of you may know someone who has been through it. I'm glad you've had some exposure to what those dealing with infertility go through. However, just because you know someone who has struggled to varying degrees does not mean you have any idea what each man or woman dealing with infertility is going through. There are countless reasons a person is infertile and numerous medical methods. You can't "know" what every single infertile person is dealing with unless you talk to them specifically. 
• Don't assume something that worked for your friend will work for everyone - You know someone who had success working with a certain doctor, using a certain medication, or trying a certain medical procedure. I'm SO glad! Praise God that infertile couple was able to find joy. However, there is NO guarantee that what worked for your friend will work for me or someone else. Every single person is different and our body makeups are unique. Trust me - we wish that were the case, but we've been through enough to know it might disappoint us.
• Don't trivialize how someone feels who isn't infertile, but is affected by someone who is- There are a few people in my life who are aware of our struggles. And even fewer who know most of the details of what's made it so difficult.  However, I am POSITIVE that our struggle is difficult for them. Sure, they aren't the ones going through the blood work, tests, and disappointments, but they are saddened on our behalf because they are close to us. Please don't negate their empathetic sadness. It is real and appreciated.
• Don't take your kids/situation for granted - One of the most irksome things for me is when parents take their kids for granted. So many couples would LOVE to be in your position - getting no sleep, hearing screaming babies, fighting siblings, but they can't. To hear you complain about your situation doesn't make us want kids less. It makes us disappointed in you for sounding ungrateful. We know kids aren't perfect so parenthood isn't perfect. But think about your audience. You're talking to someone who is devoting a large portion of their lives to having exactly what you are complaining about. It's extremely insensitive. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but that's how I personally feel. 

Do's:

• Be honost with us - If you have no idea what to say, tell us that. If you are afraid to say something hurtful, say that. We respect your honesty. We know this is weird for those around us and we appreciate you caring enough to WANT to say something but NOT wanting to hurt us. 
• Ask us for our advice - About to start trying for a baby and afraid that we are going to be upset if you get pregnant before we do? Ask us for how we would like you to handle telling us. Have a baby announcement you want to send us? Call us. Tell us you want to include us but don't want to upset us. Putting together a baby shower list? Ask us if we want a physical invite or verbal invite. Ask us if you're unsure about anything at all - chances are we'll be grateful you care enough to think of us and ask.
• Be sensitive - Infertility is one of the most preciously delicate situations families can find themselves in other than death or infidelity (in my opinion). No one would dare assume they know exactly what to do or say in those situations. Just be sensitive. We aren't made of glass, but our hearts and souls are deeply invested in this process and you have the ability to protect it or destroy it.

I Still Believe

The fertility journey is an unpredictable one. Our bodies are miraculous wonders and predicting how they will behave one minute to the next is like trying to predict God.  It's just impossible.

Nothing about this journey has been easy.  It's expensive.  It's time consuming. It's emotionally draining. It's physically draining. All with no positive outcome promised. The most obvious question to ask is then why do we keep going through it? Why go through so much heartache, hassle, and hardship  if the chances are so unpredictable and unknown? The answer is as complicated as it is simple: Because this is the journey we know God has us on.

For each negative, there have been positives, even though the ultimate positive has yet to be attained.

1. My husband and I have grown in our marriage by leaps and bounds.  2 years ago, I didn't have the slightest idea what it meant to be partners with my husband. To be best friends. To be two halves of a whole.  I get it now. Even though trading my partner might mean having a different fertility outcome, I wouldn't trade him for the world. I understand and respect my partner more today than I did yesterday and more than I did the day before. That growth gained through this experience is priceless.

2. The relationship I have with my Savior has changed tremendously. Christian meant very few things to me. It meant I accepted Christ as my Savior, went to church, prayed at least once a day, and tried to mention God in a non-Christian situation at least once a day. There's so much more to the Christian Faith and walk than I ever imagined. I'm nowhere near where I need to be, but to be aware of how little I actually know my Lord helps encourage me in the right direction, as odd as it sounds. It helps me know there's more to this life than the only outcome I have my eyes on. God is so much bigger than I realized.

3. I have mellowed. Tremendously. It seemed impossible for a Type A, controlling, worrisome first born to mellow. But it happened. God used this journey to pry the controls from my hands and show me what it means to "let it go." It's not something I've ever understood... until THIS. People at work have mentioned that I don't seem to make a big deal out of things. That is a huge compliment. One I won't take credit for. But it still means a lot.

4. I now have a huge appreciation for things I have always taken for granted. I now understand that nothing in life is as easy as I always assumed.  People, animals, and earthly belongings are not promised to us. They aren't guaranteed. Nothing but our "needs" are promised in God's word. Everything else is icing on the cake. Gracious and grateful is how I now feel.

Whether or not we have a baby naturally, through fertility methods, or never have kids, this difficult journey has changed me. It's made me a stronger wife, Christian, and woman. All because God has a plan that I need to trust to completion. I sure hope He isn't done with me yet.

"Though the questions still fog up my mind

with promises I still seem to bear

even when answers slowly unwind

it's my heart I see You prepare

but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain

from every finger tip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness

I still believe in Your truth

I still believe in Your holy word

even when I don't see, I still believe"

Always

I must apologize - it's been far too long since I've updated.  I'll get you up to speed on what's happened.

I took a break in November from everything.  It got to be too much emotionally and I needed a month to just.... breathe.  Exhale a little and regroup.  It was a crazy month at school anyway, so it worked out just fine.  But by the time December came, I was ready to start the fertility train again.  This time, we weren't going to waste anytime.  IUI, here we come.

The month of December was an interesting one, full of God's hand.  At the beginning of my cycle, I started on injection hormones.  This is another way for a woman to produce more than just one egg.  After about 5 days, I had to go back into the office to see how well I was doing and there it looked like 7 follicles were developing  (Remember:  ovaries hold follicles which grow the eggs.)  That means 7 eggs were becoming "mature" aka ready to release.  Uh, I'm sorry, 7?  I didn't order that many.  Nurses reassured me that it wouldn't really be 7.  My body would only release the number of eggs that were "maturest" (ok not the most official word) when they gave me the trigger shot to release them in a few days.  Turns out, when it came time to trigger the egg release, only 4 were mature enough to release.  Had the IUI done a few days after that and it gave me a reason to take a day off from school.  Who wouldn't jump at THAT chance.

There was more to all of this than meets the eye.  First, the doctor commented at one point that my body "really likes" the fertility drug I was using.  Meaning, it responded extremely well and didn't seem to give me any side effects whatsoever.  Second, due to a certain hormone level in my body, the doctor and nurses expected me to not respond as well as I did. They said I "defied the odds and proved them all wrong."  Third, the only fertility issue we've been diagnosed with is a low sperm count.  At the IUI? at least 10 million above what they consider average or normal.  Fourth, I was told at the IUI by the doctor to "come back in a week" for a progesterone shot.  I made the appointment and went on my way.  Later that week, I got many phone calls at my house saying I needed to call them.  Turns out, they only needed to change the location of my appointment, but after talking to the receptionist further, she realized my appointment was too late! I needed to come in a few days sooner for the progesterone shot.

After finding out the results were negative, I got to thinking.  I realized how present God was throughout the process.  He made everything perfect when it shouldn't have been.  The sperm count shouldn't have been so high.  I shouldn't have responded as well to the drugs.  I should have missed the progesterone shot.  He lined everything up.  Initially, I thought He made everything "perfect" so we would become pregnant, but it turned out to be much more important than that.  He needed us to trust Him.  To trust that He was present.  To trust that He was involved in this process and cared.  Learning that lesson was a tremendous weight off my shoulders.  I was finally able to find peace in this process and let God have the reins.  He allowed me to get a glimpse of Him working so that I could believe he has us.  He's got us.  Always.  He will come through. Always.

This song has more meaning than I've shared, but I'll share it in the future.  Something to look forward to  ;)

"Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always"

Need You Now

Paula Abdul had a song in the 90's that I used to listen to called "Opposites Attract" and it has a line  that says "I take 2 steps forward, I take 2 steps back."  I was reminded of this song when the fertility doctor called this morning.

My husband had to get a 6month semen analysis after his surgery in late April/early May.  HIs first one at 3 months, was really good.  Showed he increased to 60 million sperm, good motility, morphology, etc. Only little volume.

The doctor called this morning to tell us the results of the latest analysis 3 months later.  While volume is now up to normal, he's down to 13 million sperm, when it should be up around 20.  It seems strange to me to have these statistics go up and down.  I know, in reality, it's par for the course, but it feels like a blow.  After 2 steps forward in August, it's 2 steps back in November.  

Often a single circumstance can seem completely different depending on our perspective.  I could choose to look at this as yet another setback.  Another reason to be angry at his parents for their role in neglecting his physical state while growing up.  Another example of how much it "sucks to be us."  Or I could look at it as another way we have answers.  Another explanation to help us get to the solution.  Another way God's revealed a tiny part of His plan and what He wants us to do.

It's frustrating, no doubt.  To have these problems and see other people conceive in their first try seems unfair.  And if I chose to look at it like that, I'd be severely depressed.  But I choose to see an opportunity to deepen my faith. To trust that He has something greater.  To believe that He knows me and knows what's best for my life.  I may not like the outcome, sure. I may not get to be a parent.  But only He knows that and I just have to follow whatever path He's put me on.  God, I need You now more than ever.

"Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now."

Walk by Faith

Sorry it's been awhile.  This school year is seriously kicking my rear-end.  I am not a fan of rambling blog posts (although some of my past ones could prove the contrary).  I figure I won't post anything unless I have something to say.  I guess today I do.

I've been looking at this process differently lately.  I have felt recently like God's been saying this is not it for me.  I just keep getting this unsettled feeling wash over me.  Like this place He has me in isn't permanent.  I just keep feeling like something's missing. Like there's more.  More to do. More to accomplish. Not for me, mind you.  For Him.  I don't know what He wants.  Or what His plan is.  I may never know.  But I'm certain He has me feeling unsettled and unsure for a reason.  I haven't found my spot yet.

He just wants me to continue to walk by faith.

"Well I will walk by faith 
Even when I cannot see 
Well because this broken road 
Prepares Your will for me"

Healing Hand of God

Last time I wrote an entry I included two songs which have TREMENDOUS meaning for me  in my current situation.  Both songs have totally different purposes and meanings (to me at least), but they share a common thread.  There's a line in each that refers to God's hand.

From Safe:  "The hand the holds the world is holding your heart" and "These are the hands that built the mountains, the hands that calm the seas.  These are the arms that hold the heavens, they are holding you and me."

From I Will Not Be Moved: "Though sometimes my prayers feel like they're bouncing off the sky, 
The hand I hold won't let me go and and is the reason why I will stumble, I will fall down, but I will not be moved."

I wanted to do a little background and research on the meaning of hand in scripture. I find that it's a popular idea to allude to and thought it might deepen my understanding of God.  Boy did it.

To start, I went for the most obvious place: the Bible Dictionary.  Right? Look up the word and get a definition.  Talk about loads of information.  The entry for "hand" began like this:

"One of the most frequently used words in Scripture, occurring over sixteen hundred times."

Whoa.  Ok, so it's a pretty popular reference.  So i continued reading.

"In the [Old Testament] the hand is also the symbol of personal agency.  When the Lord stretches out his hand, it means that he is taking personal action in whatever case or situation is involved, and this usage carries over into the NT"

Stop. Right. There.   These songs have come to mean something very personal to me in my fertility quest.  Those particular lines especially.  According to this dictionary, they go even deeper. By stretching out his hands, holding us in his hands, us holding his hands, etc, he is showing us he's THERE.  He's in it.  He's "taking personal action in whatever case or situation is involved."  I don't know about you, but that's one of the most comforting thoughts I could have, in ANY situation.  

Next, I moved onto topical bible entries.  True, this is merely to tell me WHERE in the bible the word or concept can be found, but it's another resource.  I personally like biblegateway.com.  So I went to the H's and clicked on hands.  Before each bible verse where the word is found, it gives a quick blurb about the context so you know if it's what you're looking for.  Here's some of the ones that stood out:

-Criminals often
-Of the wicked
-Imposition of
-Were washed.

Instantly, my mind associated hands with needing to be cleansed, even forgiven.  But with God, he's perfect so he doesn't need forgiveness so what could that mean? It means he can be trusted.  The hands are dangerous and prone to misdeed.  Our hands can't be trusted.  Heck, one of the entries refers to criminals!  But how much peace we can find in the fact that the hands that are holding our hearts are clean. Trustworthy. Strong.  

This whole thing might seem superfluous to everyone else but me, but I dont think it matters.  I was struck by the fact that hands were in both songs that meant a lot to me.  By spending some time researching the word, it's use and meaning, I was able to understand and see God from a new angle.  Isn't that the whole purpose of being a Christian?

Forgive this odd post as it's not directly related to fertility and seems to ramble nonsensically.  But it seems to be just what I needed :)

"And I have seen the healing hand of God
Reaching out and mending broken hearts
Taste and see the fullness of His peace
And hold on to what's being held out
The healing hand of God"

Safe, I will not be moved

Sorry- it's been awhile since I wrote anything.  It's been a crazy couple of weeks.  However, another week, another trip to the fertility doctor.

The doc put me on Clomid again, upping the dosage.  Things look good on my end (2 developping follicles instead of 1) and as usual, it's up to God to do what He wants.  Now onto the TWW...

Over the weekend I realized that this truly is a day to day process.  Just like life.  One day, I can be the one encouraging OTHERS about this situation, feel at peace, and genuinely trust that the Lord has my best interest at heart.  Literally the next day can bring doubts, uncertainties, sadness, and worry.  I'm talking less than 24 hours!  It's easy to think you're insane.  There are ways to get through it, though. 

The whole reason I incorporated music into this blog is one simple fact: I love it.  Music is something that has always had a way of speaking to me.  Maybe it's because I identify myself as a dancer and music has a different meaning. Or maybe that's just me in general.  Whatever the reason, I've been able to use music as a way to make it through each difficult (and not so difficult) moment.  There's comfort in knowing that someone has felt the way I do and was able to convey those thoughts and emotions in words better than I could.  And well, there's just something about a really catchy melody.

Two songs that have really spoken to me and helped ease those day to day mood swings I've included in this blog. The OCD part of my brain isn't too happy switching up the pattern of one song per entry, but it's my blog and I'll do what I want :)

The first song listed is by Phil Wickham called "Safe."  Currently, it's the one song that I can't stop listening to.  It's a song for any moment, but works particularly well for those moments that you are feeling sad, lost, uneasy, or like, as the song says, "everything is falling apart."  It speaks about our Lord who while holding the wolrd is also holding your heart.  The imagery this one particular line evokes in my head is beyond comforting.  I sang it at the top of my lungs while biking down the main street at the beach.  YOLO, as the say.

The other song is the song I go to when I get over my sad moments and get angry.  Not angry at God. That would be a different song.  No, angry at myself and more importantly, angry at Satan.  Throughout the infertility process, it's SO easy to question God. Question His motives, question His timing, question and doubt EVERYTHING.  Now, much of that comes from our sinful nature (thanks Adam & Eve!).  However, a lot of our uncertainty comes from Satan.  He takes it and runs away with it.  He's such a bastard that he wants us to doubt. He wants us to feel separated from our God so that we don't trust Him.  He revels in those moments when we are low and doubting the one thing we know to be real.  Well that just pisses me off.  So you know what? I sing this song to him.  To tell him that no matter how low I feel, I WON'T be moved. I may make mistakes, like not trusting God for a few minutes or have trouble relinquishing control, but I will NOT be moved from His presence. He is my Lord and my God and He rescued me.  Just because He has chosen to have my husband and I go through a struggle doesn't mean He loves me any less.  So Satan, do us all a favor and drop dead.

Safe:
"You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms"

I Will Not Be Moved:
"And though sometimes my prayers feel like
They're bouncing off the sky
The hand I hold won't let me go
And is the reason why...

I will stumble
I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes
I will face heartache
But I will not be moved
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand
I will not be moved"


One last thing:  after reading the lyrics I chose to put here as a tease, I realize they both speak of holding God's hand.  It's such a powerful image and statement, I may want to get into that more.  I think I have something new to research and a topic for an upcoming post.  The hand of God..... what a beautiful picutre.